By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
- A framed photo of SFU administration
In moments of peace and times of despair, I always think of my loved ones. Help a student in your life feel comfort with a framed photo of SFU’s administration. Unfortunately, there’s no photo of them all in one room, so you’ll either have to convince them to gather under the guise of a photography project or photoshop them together. It’s better than framing and signing a selfie, and they’ll always have a source of joy.
- A beginner’s falconry manual
Yeah, whatever, we know SFU has friendly raccoons and there’s rats at every campus. But did you know we also have falcons? Look up! Encourage your friend to become more mysterious, sexy, and always ready for awkward icebreaker questions by getting into falconry. No personality trait brings as many questions as choosing to stare at the sky for hours on end, but it’s more interesting than just staring at the walls.
- A hastily put together bookstore basket
Oh no! You need something today? Have no fear, the bookstore is here! Stop by for everyone’s Beedie-branded favourites, like lanyards, shot glasses, and more compostable notebooks than anyone could ever use. Pick up a used copy of the book your friend has been wanting to read. The annotations and highlighting will already be there for them so they don’t even have to think critically about it. What a great friend you are!
- The ultimate study guide for their hardest course
OK, so you should be studying instead of reading The Peak, but here we are. Give a student in your life a great choice about what gift they want — hand over a sealed envelope with the link to a master study guide of everything they need to remember; let them decide on the course of action. Will they use the resources available to them? Will they ignore it and assume skimming their measly notes is enough? Will they shred the sealed envelope while sobbing over the responsibility to succeed? The best gift humans can give is free will, and it’s time to remind another student that free will is also a curse and they’d enjoy themselves better if they were just a slug.
- A UBC hoodie
Gift your good friend endless comfort with a UBC hoodie they can wear to keep cozy in all their SFU classes. Tell them you forgot which school they go to and bought the one you thought they would do better at. It’s not your fault they picked SFU!
Disclaimer: The Peak is not responsible for any harm that befalls you or your loved one for wearing UBC merch at SFU.
- The Tiger King season one on DVD
Remember at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone couldn’t stop talking about Joe Exotic? Honestly, March 2020 is a pretty foggy memory for me, but it certainly won’t be for your loved one who is about to rewatch the entire first season on Blu-ray. Let them rejoice in yet another month of staying home and watching television instead of socializing. Carole Baskin might just fill the hole in their heart once reserved for the strangers they used to make out with at parties.
- A printout of all the ads for dog sitting in your area
Like every year, SFU advertised puppy therapy, but your friend once again remembered the time wrong. Give them the next best thing: spending time with dogs on their schedule! It’s even better for their mental health because every new dog could have any temperament, and nothing helps anxiety like an incessant barrage of unpredictable animals waiting for you.
- A finger painting
Remember when you were four years old and the best handmade gift you could give was a finger painting? You’re still young, and your friend deserves a heartfelt reminder: of all the people they chose to love, they picked a finger painter. Make it a tradition, and they can pin every single one to their refrigerator to proudly show everyone who visits them. Better yet, just bring art supplies next time you visit them and paint directly on their refrigerator so it never falls off.
- The library book you should have returned already
You still have that? They sent you so many reminders, you walnut! Make your overdue book the gift that keeps on giving. Your friend might get stuck with the fees if they return it, but it’s probably fine. Besides, if it’s so good you kept it, another student would probably enjoy it too. Then you can just long for it back as you wonder what the ending was.
- An engagement ring
Here’s what you’re gonna do: you’re gonna get a boombox blasting Mariah Carey, bang on their door as long as you’d want to bang them (hopefully longer than it takes them to answer), and pop the question. You can only survive at an engaged university as an engaged student.