Choose your own adventure: fall sports edition

By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

INTRO

“I almost can’t believe it,” you think. “After 27 long, arduous years, they’ve done it.” Ditching your evening class to see what students gave up $10 million for, you make your way to Terry Fox Field. You stumble down the rotting stairs behind Shell House, nearly falling in your race to see it: the new stadium.

START

You notice a pile of red backpacks on the ground by your feet with no cult members, err, student athletes in sight. You wonder why the precious bags were abandoned, but they block your entrance to the stadium. You:

1. A) Shift the unusually bulky bags out of the way. Go to 3
2. B) Wander aimlessly and take another entrance in. There’s no rush when you’re avoiding a class, after all.  Go to 4

1

You join the group, learning that it’s just the quidditch team. As annoying as JK Rowling is, there’s something comical about athletes running on brooms, and something even stranger about the game’s fifth ball being human. You give in to their subtle recruitment tactics the way ketchup falls out of a bottle: slowly, and then all at once. 

Soon, you too will run laps with a broom, training to be pummeled by dodgeballs and tackled by equally resigned students in headbands. End.

2 

You climb the last steps and sit, but notice the stadium is now eerily empty. After a few minutes, a group of loud athletes take nearby seats, and you overhear them talking. You overhear what sounds like “chasers,” “big stick between his legs,” and “slither in,” among a handful of nonsensical words. Suddenly, one friendly member turns and invites you to join them. You:

1. A) Say “no, thanks” and leave. What kind of fetish group wears matching jerseys? Go to 5
2. B) Take a seat, if only to get a story for your friends (who totally exist, by the way). Go to 1

3

A group of soccer players appear suddenly, surrounding you from all sides: they caught you in the act! In a flurry of turf particles that will never leave your hair, the soccer players carry you to the Lorne Davies Complex. You stumble in, finding your name already signed on an athletics waiver. In penance for your crime, you must serve the remainder of your degree on an SFU soccer team. End

4

Stepping into the stadium, you’re overwhelmed by the sinister glow emanating from above. Blocking the bright lights with your hand, you climb what seems like a dozen flights of stairs to the top. Before you can take a seat there, a husky voice behind you says, “Wait! Wanna see the VIP box?” You:

1. A) Ignore it! Your mom told you to make new friends, but John Mulaney said a secondary location is bad news. Go to 2
2. B) Agree! Worst case scenario, you make a friend who drags you to every game. Best case scenario, you go missing and never open Canvas again.  Go to 6

5

You climb down from the stadium, eager to get away from what promised to be an awkward situation. Little did you know, that friendly stranger was meant to be the love of your life. He was never gonna give you up, let you down, run around, or desert you. 

With that fatal mistake, you’ve resigned yourself to the SFU curse: spending five more painful years in concrete buildings under the watchful eyes of president Joy Johnson. End.

6

You turn and are met by McFogg the Dog’s outstretched hand. Taking it, he leads you to the VIP box. He takes your other hand in a large, furry . . . hand? Yes, he reaches out a very human hand to a control panel, turning off all the stadium lights. A second human hand brushes your cheek.

“So, what’s a fetching person like you doing in a concrete gin joint like this?” he asks. You:

1. A) Reply to him, “Waiting for the im-paw-sible . . . you’re doggone cute!” Go to 7
2. B) Tell McFogg bad pickup lines are your pet peeve and get out. You have an essay due tomorrow! Go to 5

7

McFogg accepts your answer and silently guides you to his lair beneath the stadium. Stumbling through the darkness for what seems like hours but is only 15 minutes, you reach his nest of discarded newspapers and old jerseys. 

You spend the best night of your life with him, and have a guaranteed seat at every sports game. (Which isn’t hard, but sometimes McFogg gets you in the VIP box.) End