By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: You already know you’re the main character. Show that off with an obnoxiously loud SFU crest tie. Wear it to class. Wear it to the beach. Wear it in the shower. Signal to Beedie that you are ready.
TAURUS: Invest in a graduation frame for motivation. While you’re at it, grab those Calculus study aids and find something better to do than stare longing into the empty frame that cost almost 98 small Tim’s iced coffees.
GEMINI: The SFU sock monkey has your name on it. If anyone says it’s too tacky, sock it to them, and tell them they sock.
CANCER: Embrace your spiritual side with a spellbinding journal. If classes don’t go well, you can always summon a tutor. Or just hex the TA, I guess.
LEO: Get some cheeky little SFU-branded wine glasses. You don’t have 8:00 a.m. classes, right? Stop your whining and start your wine-ing!
VIRGO: Lighten up! The LED umbrella has you covered when you need a dramatic cry in the rain, but don’t want to be caught in the downpour.
LIBRA: You must be dying to spice things up in the kitchen after being home for so many months. Don’t fret — the SFU dissection kit awaits! It even comes with a nice case you can store leftovers in.
SCORPIO: Did you know SFU sells cute dog collars and leashes? Perfect for you! And probably great for your dog, too.
SAGITTARIUS: Embrace your search for something more! Get a red-striped SFU hat and navy blue pants to live a Where’s Waldo life in the crowds. Do you think he wears stripes because he doesn’t want to be spotted?
CAPRICORN: The SFU Branded BTS Bundle is for you! No, not that BTS. For just $43.00, you could get some, uhh . . . paper and a water bottle? Perfect for every occasion!
AQUARIUS: Go ahead . . . get that lab coat you’ve been thirsting over. It doesn’t matter what you’re studying — you need to be the quirky side character in every room.
PISCES: Treat yourself with SFU lounge pants. Even when you relax, you’ll never forget the mental commitment you made to your degree. Or the financial, material, and physical commitments. Give in to SFU haunting your every waking moment.
