Burnaby, BC — SFU researchers debuted their groundbreaking consciousness-swapping device on Friday morning. The device has been in the works at the Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Institute (BCNI) for three years. It was revealed on the Burnaby campus by Joy Johnson, BCNI researchers, and a group of bored communication majors who were looking for a break from talking about Marshall McLuhan for the third lecture in a row.
The device, named the Consciousness Replacing Acceleration Project (CRAP), was meant to be used on the campus solely for a test run. The mind of head researcher Seymour Cox was supposed to be swapped with a raccoon’s.
“Honestly, this whole project started because I watched Pacific Rim at seven years old,” Cox said. “I saw the scientist drift with the Kaiju brain and it awoke something primal in me.” The rest of the quote is not suitable for print.
During CRAP’s initial usage, in which Cox swapped with the raccoon, a figure dressed in black holding an electric guitar sprinted into the testing area and launched the instrument into the device. The device exploded violently, beams of light extending to every person in the immediate vicinity. This swapped each individual’s mind into different bodies.
I, your intrepid reporter and one of the bored communication majors (seriously, can we stop talking about Marshall?), am still in the body of McFogg the Dog as we speak. Did you know there’s no person under there? Like, you’d think there was some beleaguered student in a fursuit, but McFogg the Dog is actually an animatronic being with an IQ of 192. I was talking to him before he took over the body of my professor. Cool guy.
In the immediate aftermath of the explosion, president Johnson was seen running into the woods. Security arrived on the scene in the bodies of touring high school students to detain Andrew Petter, who had suddenly appeared. As the Hot Topic-clad teenagers dragged him away, he howled desperately: “Please! I’m not Petter! I am the anti-Petter! I am your president! I am your God!” He was then gagged with a 100 gecs beanie. Teenagers.
Johnson emerged from the woods this afternoon with a raccoon on her shoulder and an e-cigarette in her hand. When asked for a comment, she stared perplexedly at the vape and said, “I just wanna blow some perfect Os.”
When asked her specific thoughts on the body-swapping device and if, perchance, she happened to be someone else inhabiting Johnson’s body, she froze for 20 seconds, blinked slowly, and said, “No. I am Joyce Jansen, and I vow to return this school to the beautiful state Andrew Petter put it in.” The Peak chose to gently remind her that her name was not Joyce Jansen and that Andrew Petter had, among other things, conspired with Jonathan Driver to cause the pandemic. She had no further comment.
The BCNI researchers hope to swap everyone back— I think. Cox has just been rubbing their grimy little raccoon hands over the broken mind-swapping device.
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