By: Nancy La, Staff Writer
Are you still whipping out the maple leaf flag and proudly shooting fireworks to celebrate Canada Day? Honey, you have to wake up! Countries are not real. You’re technically living on stolen land! Instead of celebrating Canada Day, here are some different but equally befuddling holidays for your July 1st celebrations.
“Oops! . . . I Did It Again” Day
Ever need a day where you’re finally excused for doing the same problematic thing over and over again without acknowledging you’re hurting others? Look no further than “Oops! . . . I Did It Again” Day! Much like how the government continually contradicts itself with COVID-19 restrictions versus their practices, you too can do whatever the heck you want. Better yet, try shunning those who trust you to guide them through a pandemic while you’re at it! Bonus points if you play Britney Spears’ iconic anthem of the same name all day. Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?
Go Back On Your Word Day
Forget Canada Day and look forward to Go Back On Your Word Day. What better way to celebrate the nation than to remember its litany of broken promises to do better for Indigenous peoples? Think about Trudeau’s promise that the commission report on Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls “will not be placed on a shelf to collect dust,” only for two years of dust collection to happen before a national action plan on Indigenous crises is released. Keep in mind that, according to Indigenous advocates, the action plan is not enough to do much of anything. You do not need to look far to learn how to go back on your word here — and don’t forget to cry when someone calls you out for it.
Geese Hug Day
Instead of waving the flag around, why not celebrate this July 1st by giving this iconic animal a good ‘ole hug? Sure, they might honk quite angrily and potentially attack you, but that’s usually what happens when you violate animals’ living space — much like what this country wants to do with its pipeline plans! If you have ever wondered what it looks like for an animal to flee its own home after watching it be destroyed, try and hug a goose and see for yourself.
Mask Wearing Appreciation Day
Enough attention has been paid to non-maskers and their rallies, so how about a holiday to celebrate those who actually have been following the rules for the past year and a half? There won’t be any violation of COVID-19 rules since mask wearers are (for the most part) reasonable people who would not stand less than two metres apart. Best part yet, the speakers to this event will not get caught violating COVID-19 rules! Hey, let’s all just stay at home, drink some $18 lukewarm champagne, and pass out on the couch by 10:14 p.m.
