Your new pandemic best friend: the raccoon

Let these trash pandas into your life (or else!)

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ILLUSTRATION: Shaheen Virk / The Peak

By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer 

Are you looking for some raccoon therapy? Imagining a domesticated life with our residential furry friends? Well, we’ve made some observations of our most popular raccoons, and we think they’re ready to help you through the new term. 

Trent “Tom Nook” Grubs

ILLUSTRATION: Shaheen Virk / The Peak

Trent is part two-year-old raccoon and part real estate agent. He has a fluffy coat and a wide grin that is often mistaken for a suspicious-looking grimace. He assesses every newcomer based on three things: their ability to give him food, their ability to give him shelter, and overall swag. Trent has been dubbed our resident “Tom Nook” because he seems to have an amicable relationship with the other raccoons, finding them new homes before rubbing his little paws together greedily. He enjoys affection and a good scratch on his head, but his favourite activity is nestling into discarded print issues of The Peak.

You know how Tom Nook leases homes on endless mortgaging? Trent will also lease your food, and your heart, if you let him. 

Her Majesty, the Auspicious and Beautiful Marcella XXXIII 

ILLUSTRATION: Shaheen Virk / The Peak

If you look into Marcella’s beady little eyes for too long, you will be swept into the vortex of her stare. There, you’ll find meaning in the quiet and dignified life of our resident princess. Marcella is the most graceful thing you will ever have the privilege of witnessing. She has short claws, but that has not stopped her from her royal duties of being the most good-looking masked creature on campus. She is also our only hoarder. Marcella is all about using crystals to manifest her dream life, and has accumulated an impressive collection of smooth pebbles that she washes. In fact, she washes everything she touches like the pandemic queen she is. Marcella is often spotted taking her snacks and dipping them into the nearby pond to clean them. 

Marcella is eight years young, with a healthy round tummy that suggests she has only ever indulged in the world’s finest recycled goods. She will make a good friend for the student who enjoys just a bit of indulgence.

“Curious” George

ILLUSTRATION: Shaheen Virk / The Peak

George is a problem. A menace. We love him dearly. 

You see, George is the sneakiest raccoon you will ever see. All he ever wants to do is steal, and by the time you see his glowing eyes in the dark, it is much too late. 

He will purr. Yes, we did not know raccoons could purr before George here. He will walk up to you, tail swaying from side to side to enchant you. Then, he will take every sandwich meat that you have ever loved before you can even say the word “thief.” 

We often spot him tripping over his own paws as he runs excitedly to greet you, hoping that you have brought him an offering — whether intentional or not.

Yet, despite his thievery, he also seems to be a loyal guy. George tends to shadow you, somehow concealing his skittering, and before you know it, you have a raccoon that is staring at you as though you are the love of his life or a particularly delicious pastry. He will be more loyal and consistent than Canvas maintenance, and would make an excellent pal with whom you can share your time (and snacks).