The only things that could save 2020 at this point

A vaccine would be nice but like these might just save the world, too

PHOTO: Jude Beck / Unsplash

By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor

With but a few weeks left in this godforsaken year, not much could be done to leave off on a relatively high note. With no vaccination in the near future, at this point, these are the only wild shots we can hope for. 

  1. A One Direction comeback

Harry Styles is taking over the world as a solo artist (I still cry nightly to “Two Ghosts” leave me alone), but I think the girls and gays can agree that a One Direction comeback may just save this year. Honestly, I’d give or take Liam in this, but the moment I see Niall and Louis lip-syncing horribly in their multi-million dollar music videos, my 14-year-old third eye will open and life may not look so bleak. 

Imagine the power they would have. Spotify would crash. New York billboards would shine with their faces above as the city’s inhabitants continue rotting away below. It would be a dystopian sight to see, but one with bangers like “No Control”, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

2. Betty White announcing her immortality

This one may be a stretch, but nothing short of a miracle will save this year. If Betty White dies, Boomers will lose their goddamn minds. They destroyed the housing market when Betty was in her acting prime, imagine what would happen if . . . I’m not even gonna manifest that. 

I’m by no means saying Betty White is the Messiah or anything, I just know that she’s a national treasure who’s been around longer than the hotdog-shaped water stain on my dorm room ceiling (a long time) so she has her fans. Her sticking around might just inspire people to wear masks in order to continue living at the same time as her. It’s Betty White’s world, we’re just ruining it.

3. Waluigi claiming his Smash Bros. throne

Smash players have been crying out for Waluigi to join as a playable character in the crossover Nintendo game for decades. As of now, Waluigi will remain as ugly Mario and Luigi skins and will occasionally appear as an assist trophy.

Super Smash Bros: Ultimate creator Masashiro Sakurai jokingly responded to the public’s demands with, “Just because you try hard doesn’t mean you’ll make it into the battle.” The day this character is announced (I’m still holding out for the six new characters coming out before December 2021), the world will reset. Dolphins may just reappear in the Italian canals. 2020 will be saved by one (1) purple mustache man.

4. When I finally figure out how to do logarithms

The only quiz I’ve ever failed was my Pre-Calculus 12 logarithms quiz. It haunts me to this day. Maybe it had to do with my professor sounding the same as Kermit the Frog and getting fired a few semesters after I graduated for calling a kid a slur (yikes), but I didn’t have the best time with high school math. Hence I am here, writing for you all instead. I think when someone shows me how these things work, it may just be a cultural reset. Maybe. Or it could be like my dad “teaching” me math at the kitchen table where my tears fucked up the fractions and I couldn’t read them. Who knows.