Plot-heavy porn soars in popularity as the pandemic leaves population lonely

More folks depending on emotional support step-sister stuck in laundry machine, study shows

PHOTO: Charles Deluvio / Unsplash

By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor

VANCOUVER, BC — A wholly baseless study done by two horny dudes on Reddit revealed that their equally horny online friends recently started searching for porn with painfully lengthy intros “just to feel something” this past week.

u/gumcuzzler69 and u/asunamorelikeassuna teamed up to deliver this breaking news that no one asked for with a sample too cheap and unethical to pay for their porn, starting with a thread on the notorious social media site.

“yall what is it with the horrid acting at the start of this video that gets me off. there sitting on a couch breaking the 4th wall every 20 seconds by staring at the camera while talking to each other. ,, i miss talking to people” one friend wrote on the page.

“ya i feel u sometimes i watch videos with a girl in a laundry machine in the thumbnail not to watch them smash but just cause i know the two actors will prolong the agony with the ‘oH no I aM StUcK’ and then i think about my ex who did my laundry sometimes. and then i go, ‘maybe I should call her,’” replied another.

Seeing this trend, the two Reddit users asked around and discovered a correlation between the loneliness and the length of the porn videos watched. 

When they asked if live cams that involve watching and interacting with sex workers was on the table, a whopping 99.4% of respondants said “no” and that “bro those cost money idgaf.”

Instead, participants reported scouring free sites on Incognito mode, checking the length of the video for promising plotlines that promised some sort of lengthy introduction.

It’s fake, fabricated, false, but hell, it hits the spot. Yeah, twink, you struggle to open that pickle jar. I also struggle. It’s like I’ve found a new, relatable friend. The sex is a bonus or whatever, but those moments before when I hear someone talking . . . It’s like they’re talking to me,” wrote u/horndogcorndog22. 

It’s like that Rihanna lyric that says, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but discussions between BDSM actors in sweaty pleather surrounded by a nine-person crew in a poorly decorated staged home excite me.”

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