By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor

11:42 p.m.

hi Dr Gawner,

my name is Lindsay Haugh. i am in your psyc 388 class. I will be honest, I started the paper due tonight a few hours ago and i do not think I have it in me to finish another 7 paragraphs. I am so tired. this is a long shot, but is there any way i could get it to you tomorrow afternoon

SIncerely,

Lindsay

11:45 p.m.

Hello Lindsay,

I am sorry to hear how tired you are. I am also tired. We are all tired. So tired.

Normally, I would not have even seen this email until the time you requested for your extension, tomorrow afternoon, but given the circumstances and our class being fully asynchronous, I don’t really need to worry about sleep patterns and whatnot. 

Yes, the class is actually on Biological Rhythms and Sleep, and yes, I am fully aware of the hazards placed on the body when one’s circadian rhythms are thrown off, but here I am.

Anyway, I will give you until tomorrow afternoon to hand in your paper. Please take care of yourself.

Best,

Dr. Gawner

12:04 a.m.

thank u so much Dr. Gawner for the extension thankyou so much Dr Gawner for the extension

i didn’t think you would be awake to respond i don’t get the part about the supra nucleus thing or whatever but i will google it if u are to tired its ok i dont get any of this!!!

Lindsay

1:20 a.m.

Hi Lindsay,

Sorry I took so long responding. My cat decided that this was the ample opportunity to vomit on the carpet on our stairs. Why is it always the one carpeted area of the house? Why?

If you’re speaking about the suprachiasmatic nucleus, that was the topic of last week’s discussion post and not this week’s paper. I would love to tell you its function, but my crappy SCN clearly isn’t doing a whole lot for me right now. There’s something cruel and ironic about a class on biological clocks leading to my poor sleep schedule. Or maybe it’s the existential dread streaming from climate change being practically irreversible and wondering what the point of learning psychology is when all that we currently know will become obsolete in a few decades anyway. Well, regardless.

Cheers,

Dr. Gawner

2:37 a.m. 

my cat does that too i dont know about psychology becoming obsolete but wait the paper is not about that? what is it about

Lindsay

2:41 a.m.

Hello Lindsay,

What are any of these papers really about, in the long run? Why do I assign these things to you all? I call myself a naturalist; all these apparent scientific advancements really must be critiqued. Are they advancements? Are we certain about this? 

Take a look at cigarettes. We once believed they were harmless and charming, something to hold between our grubby little fingers in clubs while we filled our lungs with smoke that kills us. What we know now, is it knowledge? Are we human, or are we scientists?

Dr. Gawner

3:01 a.m.

i do not smoke but can u tell me what the paper is on please

Lindsay

3:01 a.m.

**AUTOMATED RESPONSE**

This email is on Do Not Disturb. Message from Gmail user:

I have decided to quit my role as a professor at Simon Fraser University. Go find your frivolous psychology “facts” elsewhere. I’m done lying to myself.

— Dr. Heesa Gawner