Written by Paige Riding, News Writer

Gentlemen . . . are you intimidated by having four products lining the side of your shower? Do your moustache hairs shiver at the thought of lavender? Have the “For Men” labels on products failed to coddle your fragile masculinity enough?

Well, we’ve got the solution for you! 

Introducing the Musk-Ox Man 28-in-1 Product For Men. That’s right: this product eliminates the need for all those emasculating tubes and bottles cramping the soap scum-filled counter of your sink. Now, you’ll have more room for what’s really important: your beard hairs, the empty beer cans you detonated, and your two-year-old loofah.

The Musk-Ox Man 28-in-1 is a shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, eyeglass cleaner, drain cleaner, windshield washer fluid, laundry detergent, energy drink, and more! But the real benefits are more than just skin deep, fellas. It’s an instant testosterone booster. If you use this product during your camping trips and a bear has the unfortunate fate of crossing you, your campsite would be better off helping the bear. That’s how tough you’ll feel.

It’ll give you the confidence you need to play the devil’s advocate during conversations with your female friends. You’ll feel so manly that the basic rights of any other gender will become trivial to you. There’s a reason the wage gap exists. It’s to reward the hard work of men like you. You’re a bro. And you smell like it.

When going to a party that you apparently shouldn’t be at, the Musk-Ox Man 28-in-1 Product For Men will pump you up enough for you to touch the lower backs of every single woman you pass. Social cues, not to mention social distancing, never sat right with you. Your hair, teeth, and armpits will all smell like a manly pine forest mixed with titanium. Everyone around you will know you for the rough-’n-tough stocky jock you are.

Those “you up?” texts will practically write themselves when you use the Musk-Ox Man 28-in-1. And your hand will smell so fresh that when you hold your anaconda for a pleasantly surprising pic to that hot babe, she’ll basically be able to smell you from where she is and she’ll call an Uber right to you. Nothing gets the ladies like Musk-Ox Man, you hefty hunk of a hard-as-nails ham.

Call 1-888-800-8135 for your free sample of the Musk-Ox Man 28-in-1 for men. Never again will the patriarchy be challenged with big, badass, bulletproof buff buds like you bustling about. Careful not to break your phone with that ridiculously strong python grip when you call now!

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