SFU Mail claims to “contain multitudes” after sending students two copies of every Canvas email

Students have mixed feelings about the email client’s mixed messages

Screenshot courtesy of SFU Mail

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

In response to campus-wide buzz about constant duplicate emails from SFU courses, the university’s mail client has publicly declared that he will not apologize for “containing multitudes,” as per the recent Bob Dylan song. 

“I’m a man of contradictions, a man of many moods,” SFU Mail quotes in explanation. He cites as an example his need to mark new emails as “unread” no matter how many times students have, in fact, read them. 

Students are calling SFU Mail a poetic genius in motion for his email flurries, even as they curse him for momentarily fooling them, again and again, into thinking that they have at least one online platform on which to be popular.

“I get so excited to see that Inbox (2) in my sidebar,” says Connor Fuchsian, a second-year English student. “And then so disoriented and disappointed. But I think that’s really the symbolism here. That’s how I read it, and I’m into it.”

Other students, such as fourth-year history student Hiram Pistoff, are less pleased.

“I mean, could I open Canvas, click on “Account” in the upper left, click Settings, look to the right for “Ways to Contact,” and delete one of the two email addresses listed? Of course I could,”  says Pistoff. “But if I wanted to be a computing science student, I would go complain about school every day on SFU Dank Memes. I’ve come to complain to The Peak instead, so do some journalism for once and fill in the blanks on that.”

Bob Dylan is not SFU Mail’s only musical influence. His tendency to have all his accounts run under two email addresses each was inspired by the 2010s teen pop sensation Hannah Montana (also known as Miley Cyrus). 

“Chill it out, take it slow, then you rock out the show,” SFU Mail quoted from Montana’s iconic hit, “The Best of Both Worlds,” as parting advice to all the fifth-years out there who are still trying to graduate.

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