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Lonely first-year fed up that no one has saved him from his inner darkness yet

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“No one is making the effort,” says Edward Collin from the back corner of the 145

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Humour
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Illustration by Tiffany Chan / The Peak

Written by Jennifer Low, Peak Associate

A first year SFU student is threatening to sue the university for false advertising: namely, their failure to provide the happiness and friendship he expected to finally receive after high school.

“I don’t understand it! I’ve been here, like, for a whole semester already,” Collin lamented to The Peak. “But no one has gone out of their way to talk to me, befriend me, or even save me from my inner darkness. I’ve tried everything!” 

“Everything,” according to Collin, includes countless days spent sulking in the back corner of lecture halls, brooding on the fifth floor of the library, and hurrying to the 145 the second his classes end. Though highly effective in urban fantasy YA romances, Collin’s aloof and mysterious behaviour has surprisingly failed to attract the attention of any of his peers.

“It’s like no one is making the effort but me,” the first-year concluded. 

Collin described his worst experience on campus as the time he wandered around the AQ, unloved, for hours and hours. 

“I had my SFU sweater hood pulled over my eyes to build intrigue, and an extra cup of coffee to share with a potential acquaintance. In 12 hours, the only person who talked to me was someone trying to get me to sign up for their psychology study on sleep deprivation!”

The lack of personal and extensive effort from Collin’s peers to liberate him from his self-isolation has left Collin with no choice but to hold the university responsible. The first year student blames this on SFU’s lack of seating areas.

“The best strategy to start conversations is to sit in front of them in total silence and force them to watch you eat your lunch in despair,” he concludes. “Until finally they get uncomfortable and say something about your weird chewing. That’s how real friendships start, and SFU is ruining that, on purpose!”

With many personal anecdotes and journals filled with angsty comments, Collin is confident that he has enough items to enter into evidence for a strong court case against SFU.

Just like all of the other students, SFU has declined to respond to any of Collin’s comments.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society