Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

This week, you may find answers to your introspective queries in pop songs from the 2000s, so long ago. Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold was never about one of Katy Perry’s relationships; it was always about your own relationship with fresh-out-the-toaster S’Mores Pop Tarts.

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Don’t get yourself down because people have accused you of being old and boring these days. Your personality is not “boring,” it’s “utilitarian design.” It’s not your fault that people need to graduate UBC with an art history degree to understand you.

Gemini — May 21–June 20

Stop settling for less this week. Your university life deserves to be season 1 of Community, not season 4.

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Your advanced age is starting to get to you. Every time a gondola-related event happens on campus, the crow’s feet around your eyes deepen. If only that $197 million price tag could pay for something that would actually benefit society, like a lot of vitamin B12.

Leo — July 23–August 22

Your entitlement and false faith in your own inborn supremacy over others is getting out of hand this week. You should be alarmed, but not surprised. This was bound to happen at some point, given that your horoscope sign sounds like it was named by two slices of Superstore baguette who plan to enrol their baby constellation in little-league lacrosse.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Green is your lucky colour this week. It represents your envy of the concrete at the upper and lower bus loops, for getting to be walked on by you. Truly a pleasure your classmates are ungrateful for. 

Libra — September 23–October 22

Deconstruct your heart this week. There’s too much acidic feeling built up in there now. Better to lack a functioning circulatory system than to have a screwed-up pH balance.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Wear mourning attire this week. Somewhere, someplace, the batteries on your Tamagotchi have finally run dry. Confused because you never owned a Tamagotchi? You may not have, but your soul knew the connection — knew too much, in fact.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

Pray this week. Pray for the strength to accept the unfair marking systems you cannot change, the courage to complain to the department head about the unfair marking systems you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

Capricorn? More like Napricorn. Good night, sweet angel. The melatonin will empower you face that unread, foreboding Canvas message in the A.M.

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

Feel feeble lately? Your body is conserving power for when Daylight Savings steals another hour from us. You should be thankful that even your bones know that your conscious mind cannot be trusted to budget anything.

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Stop texting back this week. You will not find love with American Eagle, Bluenotes, or whatever other retailer you gave your phone number to that one time for the 10% discount, only to have them perpetually spam you with fake sales and false excitement.