Written by Maxwell Gawlick, Peak Associate

After the great success of the school’s recent Dog Therapy sessions, SFU’s Health & Counselling Services is bringing the initiative back this winter — albeit with a cheaper alternative. By laying out a variety of appealing snacks in the middle of Convocation Mall, such as Dining Hall leftovers and organics bin waste, SFU has attracted a pack of wild coyotes.

According to an email from Health & Counselling Services, Feral Coyote Therapy (FCT) involves students befriending the coyote pack, recent migrants from the woods on Burnaby Mountain, while eating or roasting marshmallows. The pack then mauls the students, bleeding them out in much the same way the university bleeds out their wallets. 

Students will crawl out of the altercation feeling “refreshed” and sometimes “grateful to go back to class,” according to the email.

It’s unclear what inspired SFU to introduce FCT to campus, and students and staff alike are somewhat skeptical of the project. Faculty in particular are concerned about how little FCT appears in overpriced peer-reviewed literature. 

At least one student theorized to The Peak that SFU didn’t leave the appealing snacks and leftovers in Convocation Mall to facilitate FCT at all. Rather, certain administrators may have gotten sick and tired of sorting their trash for the sake of SFU’s globally recognized Zero Waste Initiative.

“You just have to warm up to them [the coyotes],” reads a second email from SFU in response to this allegation. “As long as you keep them fed, they’re quite docile.”

According to Health & Counselling, coyote therapy was slated to begin February 1. But there are some (medical) reports stating that it may have already begun. 

SFU Security seems to have been kept totally in the dark about the Health & Counselling initiative.

“A dramatic increase in the number of coyote sightings has been reported in the last week,” SFU Security Tweeted on Thursday morning. “Students should take caution and avoid dark side paths. If doglike yipping and barking is heard, students should seek shelter immediately.” 

Though classes are still in session, students are now stranded in the AQ and are warning others to stay home, as the rest of SFU Burnaby is basically comprised of dark side paths.