With the archangels’ trumpets missing, God books SFU’s bagpipers to summon the Apocalypse

Four Horsemen claim to have been “a little strapped for cash”

Written by Rodolfo Boskovic, SFU Student

Do you have a due date coming up? Forget about it.

If you’ve had time to look outside lately, you might have noticed: it’s the end times, baby! I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the frothing lava pond in the middle of the AQ was part of the construction plans. 

You might have expected heavenly trumpets accompanying the Devils and Angels as they duke it out on the football field. But instead of the keening horns that the Bible always said would herald the Apocalypse, you’ll be glad to see some familiar, kilted faces taking centre stage today.

“We were just as surprised as everybody else,” says Steve Dauner, one of SFU’s best and brightest bagpipers. “That we were asked to pipe this evening, I mean. We haven’t actually been invited to play anywhere in such a long time. We only get to play convocations because of the blood sacrifice we do every semester. 

“We play when nobody wants us to; that’s kind of our bread and butter.”

While crowds of Cornerstone employees, visiting high school students on tour, and baby-chain gangs are running frantically, desperate to escape inescapable doom, SFU students can be found walking briskly past with their heads down.

“Yeah, no, I love the band,” says Tom Lyre, third year humanities major. “I just have somewhere to be, you know. I’m in a hurry.”

The Great Project of Creation has been coming along for some time, but the final due date is here. Some of the organizers do admit there were complications in bringing the project to its conclusion.

“The deadline kind of snuck up on us, to be honest. We were a little strained for cash, so we had to make do,” says War, the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse from his red Mustang. “The syllabus said we needed to have a wind band, but Gabriel’s band canceled on us — kind of crappy if you ask me. We booked them ages ago. Well, good thing the gig economy ends today.”

Some bagpipes players seem conflicted with their role in the Apocalypse. Most, however, are hopeful that this will lead to more opportunities.

“Really, when you think about it, this is only one version of the End,” Dauner reassures. “There are so many religions out there that need a soundtrack to match the agonizing feeling of the end of the world. I don’t want to brag, but . . . I think we have that down.”

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