Written by: Gene Cole, Gabrielle McLaren, Winona Young

People who wanna bring out the big kinks on the first date

Don’t get me wrong, kinks can be a hell of a time. Lots of people love to be a little extra, get a little more intense, or roleplay someone besides themselves. Opening up to a partner with these can be a stressful experience, and while it’s important to be proud it’s an intimate and important part of your private life. It’s a relieving and worthwhile moment when you finally do open up, and from there you can start communicating and preparing for the night of your dreams.

So excuse me if I’m taken aback when they ask to go all 50 Shades in their twin bed after the first date.

It certainly ain’t wrong to be open and brave with your private interests, and I can definitely applaud you for being brave enough to ask to be choked after the first passionate kiss. But there’s definitely a way to ease into it, and there’s no rush to start on them; if we’ve been leg-rubbing under the table for this long, we can wait until the second date for the weirder stuff.

Besides, rushing into it breaks the first rule for intense kinks, and for crossing the road; safety first! I want to be sure of what your bed looks like so we aren’t gambling when we try tying each other onto parts of the bed. We have to make sure we’ve got any safety tools we might need, like scissors or first-aid. We need time to buy stuff for aftercare, like tea or snacks. I’m cool to get extreme, but please don’t rush through these things. -GC

Straight guys close-minded to pegging

This callout is mostly aimed towards straight boys. You’re absolutely allowed to be uncomfortable and have boundaries but also: ya boring.

I’ve seen so much hetero porn of guys alternating between anal and vaginal sex with women, but not once has a guy ever gone, “Hey, why don’t we try it the other way around?”

And why is that? Many men have great behinds, and it’s a downright waste, nay, a downright travesty not to enjoy them.

Such close-minded men will never know the wonder that is the prostate or the intimate feeling of personally getting rammed into the mattress. The only mainstream representation we’ve seen of pegging was Ryan Reynolds getting pegged by his partner in Deadpool looking mildly uncomfortable. The man being on bottom isn’t degrading or humiliating — like all sex, it’s supposed to be fun. For the close-minded, all I can say is, you are truly missing out. Try it, or at least think about it a little more. -WY

Guys who don’t moan

I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I be in my guy’s ear like, “Ooh ee ooh ahh ahh ting tang (walla walla bing bang).”

Really, nothing is more boring to hear from a man in bed than hearing occasional grunts and a self-satisfactory sigh after two and a half minutes. Where’s the moaning? Where’s the passion?

Apparently nowhere, because your ass is “too manly” for moaning. I’m sure there’s a whole lecture I can go on about how it’s more acceptable for women to moan because they’re the subject of desire, et cetera et cetera. But when you get down to it, lack of moaning to me just translates as “I’m not willing to be vulnerable and vocalize how much pleasure I’m feeling from you right now.”

It’s an insult to your partner! By moaning, you are giving them a great verbal signal of “I’m loving this! You’re great! This is better than the free pizza I got for lunch.”

Grunting is okay. Whimpering, whining, wailing, and/or sobbing in pleasure is all fine. Full-on moaning, though, is too rare and needed. It’s a perfect way to say to your partner, “I’m here right now, and I’m focused on nothing but us.”

Also, moaning is just really hot. -WY

Straight men seeking lesbians

This phenomenon is even more flabbergasting to me when it happens on dating apps where you specifically know what the person you’re talking to is after, but it happens in real life as well.  Sometimes I just think to myself: why are you fishing in this pond, sir? Actually, I have a lot of questions.

Hunter, what is it that’s so great about you that it will fundamentally change my queer identity? Think to yourself, Brad, “is my penis really that great?” Luke, would you be creeping me and my significant other so hard on public transit if I promised we weren’t going to start making out?

When I told you I was gay and you said, “that’s because you’ve never been with me,” I heard you, Jason. And yet, inexplicably, I remained gay. Dare I say, maybe I became gayer. On the bright side, when you told me I was too pretty to be gay, the flesh-mask Aphrodite cursed me with melted away from my face and revealed my true form as Darth Lesbian—so thanks for that, Jared.

Jokes aside, nobody has time for this kind of tomfoolery and shenanigans. Not only are you being a huge pain in my ass, wasting my time, and polluting the small wedge of the electronic dating scene I access, but as a bonus, you’re also tapping into the phenomenon of corrective rape (the sexual violence against queer folks in order to “turn them straight”) and the dismissive and disrespectful mentalities that make such violence possible. So, kudos.

I don’t mean to imply that this kind of thing doesn’t happen to other LGBTQ21A+ folks. I’m just saying I’ve met more than my fair share of straight men who can’t fathom the idea of an off-camera lesbian wearing clothes and not existing specifically for their viewing pleasures, and I can only speak from my experience.

So from the bottom of my heart: get out. And if you ever get lost and end up in the wrong aisle or barking up the wrong tree: accept this answer, apologize, and leave. -GM