After several wet, cold, class-cancellation snow falls over the past few years, it looks like the upcoming months may be a much-needed break from the slush-winter/smoke-summer rotation in the Greater Vancouver area. It’s welcome news for most, but there is some concern at TransLink, who will no longer be able to blame the inconsistency of their buses on the weather. A leaked internal memo has revealed that the following announcements have been prepared for public released over the upcoming months.

• “We’re not late, we’re early” – In an effort to compensate for all of the snow from last year, buses are leaving earlier than their listed times. The lack of weather concerns have caused buses to arrive at their stops five, 10, or more minutes early. The bus came, but you weren’t there.
  
• “Environmental concerns” – Obviously, global warming is contributing to the lack of snow, and that should be alarming to everyone. Therefore, as an environmentally conscious company, TransLink has decided not to run your bus today. We would’ve sent you a memo earlier, but we didn’t want to waste electricity.
• “Health risks for drivers” – We stocked up on road salt after last winter and used barely any for the entire month of December. Therefore, it was a logical next step to use some of the extra salt in the cooking for our annual company holiday party. Allegedly, this has led to a 750% increase in hypertension among our drivers, so we think it’s best not to put too much pressure on them, at least until the lawsuit is settled.
• “Just ride your bike” – The most common New Year’s resolutions involve personal fitness, and what better way to live your fitness goals than to bike instead of taking transit? Of course, getting a bike onto a bus is a total pain in the ass, so we’re making transit a less reliable option in order to encourage you to bike all the way to your destination. Our hope is that our customers will appreciate our concern for their health, and thank us by not complaining about the fare hike that is definitely coming in the spring.
• “It’s actually snowing now” – That’s right, folks: it’s the first week of March and we have our first snow of the season. Because in Vancouver, nobody can be ever right about the weather.

Written: Trevor Roberts