Written by: Aaron Richardson
BREAKING NEWS: Throughout the construction of the new Student Union Building (SUB) on SFU’s Burnaby campus by the SFSS, it has come to light that many students groups currently housed by the SFSS are having their leases terminated, and simultaneously being refused space in the SUB. Many of these groups have raised concerns about the important roles they play for the university campus, and the impact that taking away their space will have on the campus.
Recently, another student group, one whose positive impact on the student body is still to be determined, has discovered that they will not be given space in the SUB — the SFSS.
It appears that during the planning stages for the SUB, the SFSS board of directors forgot to make sure there was space for their own offices. The primary concern was making sure to include a space where students could spend their hours on campus catching up on the sleep they missed the night before. Surveys conducted prior to construction of the building showed that students overwhelmingly supported the construction of a room in which they could nap.*
As a result, the SFSS board forgot to find a space for themselves and their employees in the new building. Once this came to light, the SFSS entered into negotiations with the SFSS to try to find a space in the building. Unfortunately, reporters from The Peak were not allowed in the room during the discussion, so there is no record of what occurred during the negotiations. However, students near the SFSS’s MBC offices could hear the sounds of screaming and what one could only assume was a full-on brawl amongst the board of directors.
Thankfully, the SFSS board of directors are outstandingly capable at fighting amongst themselves, and a resolution to the negotiations was reached shortly after the conflict began. It was decided that they would take over the rooms dedicated for the “Club Centre” that was intended to offer a communal space for many of the clubs on campus to use together.
Due to the amount of space needed by the SFSS, they have decided to remove any representation of student clubs or organizations at all in the building. This was done in hopes of “treating all students organizations fairly and equally” — not letting any organizations have space is equality, right?
*The actual item on the survey that received overwhelming support was “another place to fuck that isn’t the avocado.” It is unclear whether this specific wording was ignored, or if the SFSS board of directors were also looking for a good place to fuck on campus.