More lies to tell your kids

Illustrated by Marissa Ouyang

Written by: Jennifer Low

Let’s be honest: we were all told some interesting lies by our parents to make our childhood more “magical” or keep us out of trouble. Now that we are “all grown up” (or at least enough to ride the bus by ourselves) it’s time to start thinking about how we can screw up our own children in our own very specific way . . .

Lie #1: Convince your children that every holiday is actually a week later

Boxing Day sales are way better than that mad Christmas shopping rush; but it always occurs after you need it most. Similarly, prices of Valentine’s Day chocolate and Easter eggs drop substantially after the day of the event. Imagine how much of that hard-earned cash you could save if you could actually take advantage of these deals.

Lie #2: Show your children Pinocchio and convince them that their nose gets a little bit bigger every time they lie.

Ah, there’s nothing quite like the fear of a disproportionate facial structure, and of course the looming threat of an eventual transition into a donkey, to keep your children honest. From slowly filling your house with fun-house mirrors to using the photo booth app on your laptop as evidence, fooling your child into being truthful has never been so easy! You’ll know for sure that it works when every time your child does lie, they will feel the immediate urge to cover their nose.

Lie #3: Tell your children: “That toy doesn’t use batteries.”

All toys are electronic these days, and listening to that toy teapot sing nursery rhymes and hearing Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol on a loop is enough to drive anyone crazy. Imagine if children didn’t realize that their iPad could be charged or RC cars could be driven remotely. An iPad might be used as a miniature desk for writing and the RC car might be treated like a Hot Wheels car. Convincing your child that their toys don’t “do” anything might be the greatest push they need to be imaginative and creative for once. I mean, as children, we were perfectly content playing and eating grass for hours: who needs Angry Birds or Candy Crush right? We turned out just fine.

Lie #4: Tell your children: “Eating watermelon seeds will grow a watermelon in your stomach”

My parents convinced me of this particular lie for years. Not only was I living in constant fear of growing fruit in my stomach, insisting on poking out every seed I found in my fruit salad, but also I never choked and died, so that’s a plus.

Lie #5: Convince your children that the monster under their bed will eat their toys if they do not keep their room clean.

The fear of a monster under the bed is already there, so why not take advantage? You can take this a step farther by making scary noises while your child sleeps. If your child is still not convinced, slowly begin throwing away some of their toys when they are not looking, shred a few of their socks, or disfigure some stuffed animals.


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