Halloween costumes to get you laid

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Illustrated by Reslus

Written by: Hannah Davis

What’s the sexiest holiday of the year? That’s right, Easter. But second to that is, you guessed it, Groundhog Day. A close third is, you know it, the spookiest and creepiest time of year, Halloween. So hang onto your witch hats, my little craftsters, because I’m about to blow you away with these sweet, salty, and spicy DIY costume ideas to help get you laid this Halloween season.

Disease

Diseases! You’ve heard of ‘em. Have you ever had one? Probably! If you dress up as a disease this October, I guarantee that you will be getting freaky by the end of your Halloween night.

What do you think about when you think of diseases? That’s right: STIs. And what do you inevitably think about when you think of sexually transmitted infections? Correct: full-on, regular, unprotected sex. In this costume, you will be so devastatingly, destructively irresistible that everyone at the party will be infected by your charm.

Salami

It’s well-known that everyone loves deli meat. Scientists recently discovered that deli meat is actually an aphrodisiac due to its sweaty texture, ham-like aroma, and phallic shape.

“Our research has shown that salami is the sexiest kind of meat, and I can easily understand why,” said an SFU Meat Studies scientist in a Peak-exclusive interview. “I mean, have you tasted it before? It’s getting me hot just thinking about it.

“But in retrospect, we probably did not need to spend millions of dollars on this project, especially since it seems to contribute nothing to society. Ten years ago, I wanted to be a cancer researcher, but look where I am now.”

So suit up in an off-pink morphsuit and hide some slices of deli meat in your armpits. You’ll be all set for a night of freaky passion.

A Mummy who just went swimming

Amp up the traditional toilet paper mummy costume with this sexy new twist — water. Have you heard the news? Soggy is the new sexy. For this costume, you’ll need water, flour and a whole bunch of newspapers. If you have ever made papier maché anything, you’ve felt the cold, slimy texture of newspapers dipped in flour and water. Now imagine this feeling, but all over your body.

To get some ass this Halloween, dress up as a mummy who just went swimming and you’ll be fighting off all the people trying to get in your pants, driving them crazy when they start wondering what’s under that slippery, wet, newspapery mess. They’ll be thinking about what it would be like to peel away each sticky strip to reveal the equally sticky skin underneath.

Make-up remover

All you need for this costume is a bottle of make-up remover and some cotton pads. Walk around the party and remove everyone’s make-up, so you feel like the most beautiful person at the party. This costume won’t make anyone else around you less attractive, but will instead boost your self-esteem tenfold. Your confidence is what will attract potential lovers to your side.

At the end of the night, after some decently sexy sex, you’ll hopefully realize that you were beautiful all along, and that you didn’t need to aggressively scrub down other peoples’ faces in order to feel fly.

Most of all, folks, remember to have fun this Halloween, get some ass with my $ick Halloween Costume tips, and as always, check your candy for razor blades.

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