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Rejection letter from the company you’re too unqualified for

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EIC
EIC
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Illustrated by Marissa Ouyang

Written by: Eva Zhu

Dear Mr. Just Graduated,

Thank you for your application for the position of Director of Human Resources. Unfortunately, we here at Way Too Out of Your League Inc. regret to inform you that you have been rejected for this position due to your lack of qualifications.

The resume you attached has zero relevant work experience. In fact, it lists no work experience at all. Instead, you included a “My Greatest Achievements” section containing useless feats such as “can speed-rap ‘Lose Yourself’ by Eminem” and “ate two hot dogs in under 30 seconds.” Perhaps you should be applying to be a contestant on some obscure game show with terrible ratings?

In the section about the fraternity you attended in college, we expected to find volunteer work and the community events you helped host, considering you won “Most Hours Worked” in 2017. To our shock and dismay, you described in great detail the time you relentlessly hit on a girl even though she refused your advances 18 times. We do not consider that to be an example of your “dedication to achieving your goals.” Was “How not to be a douchebag 101” no longer a mandatory class in high school? We also did not need to know that your nickname was “King of the Bros.”

Under “Skills and Qualifications,” you wrote down everything you do not know how to operate, such as “don’t know how to open, let alone use, Microsoft Word” and “still haven’t figured out MS Paint.” Furthermore, being able to finish Mario 64 in two hours is not a transferable skill.

Your cover letter was equally disappointing, because it could not even qualify as a letter. All you wrote was “ayyyye my dudes wass poppin?” I can only assume that you might have been smoking an illegal substance at the time of composure.

Enclosed with this letter is the flash drive with 0.10 BTC (Bitcoin) you sent with your application. We here at Way Too Out of Your League Inc. do not accept bribes of any sort. Especially not in the form of Bitcoin, because we know how little they will be worth in a year.

I wish you luck on your future endeavours. You’re going to need it.

Best regards,
Hiring manager of your dreams

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society