By: Winona Young

Here at the Vocational Adult Acting Graduates Institute of North America, or VAAGINA, we embrace artists and actors alike to challenge the sexual status quo. Our artistic perspective encourages students, staff, and sluts alike to penetrate the passions that lie within themselves. We lead the dick-scovering and exploration of new acting techniques and methods at our institution. Here at VAAGINA, bold kinks, tricks, and talent are given an opportunity to develop into ideas that can change the face (and crack) of all pornography.

I am Chris “The Cock” Rock, the Academic Dean of VAAGINA, and I would like to extend a warm and wet welcome to our new students. Below are new courses that will be cumming in the following summer term.

How to Commit to Your Shit Role (Course #PEN155)
(Professor: Luke Skycocker, TA: Richard Dong)

Actors alike have always had to be subjugated to poor script writing. Whether it’s been ridiculous lines like “I’m not a twink, I’m a TWUNK, combination TWINK and HUNK” or “I hope those lemon-stealing whores haven’t been stealing from our precious lemon tree again” (which, are all real lines from from notable award-winning adult films, of course), actors often struggle to bring the genuine emotion needed for such poor writing. In PEN155, we explore the basic foundations of acting, chemistry with your co-actor, as well as repetition exercises that render you invulnerable to embarrassment. This course is also offered in our co-op course load.

How to Pretend You’re Attracted to Your Crusty-Ass, Mediocre-Ass, Ugly-Ass, Ass-ass, Male Co-Actor (Course #ASS143)
(Professor: Melanie Melons, TA: Clara Cuntslayer)

A truth which is universally acknowledged is that for every adult film actress that is a 10, there is a male counterpart out there that is a solid 4. While performing doggy style has been the conventional technique for avoiding direct eye contact with your aesthetically challenged co-actor, in ASS143 we tackle dynamic branches of acting (like Stanislavski, Brecht, Meisner, etc.) that challenge our students to feign genuine attraction to these unfortunate-looking men. Though men may get paid more than you and look considerably worse than you, we as educators believe that you can at least be better actors than them.

How to Moan (Course #UNH696)
(Professor: Forrest Hump, TA: Barbara Bush)

The days of moaning “Ahhh,” “Unhhh,” or “Are you done? I have work in the working” are long gone. In UNH696, we explore the vast soundscapes of guttural moans, shouts, screeches, and throaty croaks that dare come out of our mouth holes during penetration. Over the semester, we will study the technique of various singers, porn stars (both local and international), and even various animal sounds (from goats and gorillas to even emus). From rudimentary moans like “OWOWOWOWOWOWOWO,” to more multisyllabic moans like, “Ooh, eeh, ooh ah ah . . . ting tang, walla walla bing bang,” we challenge students to re-learn how to express sounds of pure pleasure. Students’ final grade will be determined by an oral exam.