By: Chinua Pires
We all remember January 17, 1961, the day when Dwight D. Eisenhower warned us of the ever growing presence of the little-talked-about dildo-industrial complex (DIC) in the halls of power. His advice to Americans on that day supposedly applied to his highly efficient successor, as much as it did to citizens of various nation states of the world.
As the world prepares for new orgies and as other orgies are ongoing, we should take into serious consideration the sultry words that the diddler-in-chief of America’s Fucking Forces put forth on that freaky night about achieving and erecting the long term peace of his wet dreams.
In this atmosphere of Kumbaya, the amount of peace in the world right now is so perverse — the charging tensions are set to explode into a sexual apocalypse of copious proportions, and we must prepare for the impending deployments of weapons of mass seductions.
Everybody is involved — at home, offices, mosques, hospitals, churches, shrines, convents, and so on. The DIC makes us horny when we don’t want to be by infiltrating our entertainment companies and buying them to over-promote the importance of dildos. It’s done with advertisements — Are you angry? Then get a dildo to solve your woes. Are you happy? A dildo can make you happier. Are you alone in the middle of the night in your Rapunzel-like quarters? A dildo will usurp the powers of any unwanted patrons.
Video games and movies are not exempt, since they reproduce stories where our fictional protagonists go to far away countries and introduce them to the absolute reproductive powers of the dildo. Others portray those far away countries as having dildos so massive that the practicality of employing them often makes these movies comical. Though entertaining, the reality is often much more complex for diddlers in the orgy fields as they often find it hard to understand what it is they are fucking for. They enter these countries and find out that those dildos and their rumoured sizes have all been faked to titillate the citizenry. Most countries are often aware of the powers of the dildo, but are exploring other ways of peaking in the world.
Many look for other ways to get off, but none is more culpable than the university. And, as General Ike warned, research is central to the maintenance of the system and its production of knowledge. The labs, offices, classes, and especially the quiet dorms. Outrageous magnitudes of research thrive as young minds getting politicized feel the urge to contribute their time to the maintenance of this system, often neglecting their other duties. As Little Ike said, gone are the days when climax could be achieved by the mental capacities of a single individual and an “American maker of plowshares could, with time and as required, make dildos as well.” Technological improvements have made it so that research has become total and more complex while wearing a veil of amateurishness.
What must we do to fight the influences of the DIC? How do we counter arguments that say that farmers use dildos to make wild animals submit, that countries like North Korea only exist in their sexless forms because dildos were confiscated by the controllers of those societies, and that the need for the dildo is just natural? I get it, it’s hard, but we must resist the “recurring temptation to feel that some spectacular diddling could become the miraculous solution” to all our political problems. Not everything has to be solved by fucking.
My holier-than-thou attitude might nauseate some, and for full disclosure, I have to admit I possess a dildo of my own and have never felt more powerful in my life. Confident that when tested, even if physically unprepared, I can rise up to the pressures of any situation.
