By: Holly French
Sometimes it’s hard to not be a dick, especially when you’re stuffed in a smelly bus full of annoying people and you just wanna go home. But then, to make things worse, some asshole has the nerve to start a conversation with you! Instead of straight up telling them to fuck the heck off, we suggest that you try out the following handy methods. These tricks will have whomever’s bugging you say, “You know what . . . nevermind” in no time, giving you the space and silence you deserve.
Fake a phone call
The moment you start to feel unbearably awkward, pretend that you’re getting an urgent call that you gotta take ASAP. Make up some small talk with your imaginary phone conversation partner, pause, then whisper-shout, “I told you not to use the arsenic, Frank! The feds can trace that stuff! What the hell, man! I did my time and I AIN’T going back for your stupid mistake!” Then angrily hang up, turn to them, smile, and apologize.
Burst into song
Seize the chance to make your life into a Disney movie and get rid of unwanted attention all at once. Add in some rhymes for the extra-annoying factor. If you’re on an especially spacious bus (which rules out the 145, sorry guys), you may even want to try out some dance moves. Pole dancing on the yellow bars is highly recommended.
Immediately take the lead in the conversation
Have any wild, crazy conspiracies you need to share with the world? Now is the perfect time to do so. Let your conversation partner know that the Earth is actually flat, and satellite imaging is a conspiracy by NASA to hide the truth about the faked moon landing and the existence of lizard men in skinsuits that walk among us and also use mind-controlling laser beams to produce subliminal messages to ensure we obey our reptilian overlords. Make sure to check their head for implants beforehand, though. You never know whose skin those scaly bastards are going to inhabit next.
Assert your authority by immediately challenging them to a children’s card game
Start your conversation with “Ha! You just activated my trap card! Unless you defeat me, you’ll go straight to the Shadow Realm!” Then whip out your deck and get ready to duel! Once you defeat them (usually by default), deliver a passionate monologue on believing in the heart of the cards. If you don’t know how to play Yu-Gi-Oh!, no worries. No one in the whole series does, either. So go ahead and summon two monsters in one turn. No one’s gonna stick around to let you know that it’s supposedly against the rules.
Become an Edgy™ anti-hero
The road you travel is a painful one full of revenge, sarcasm, and other angsty cliches. As soon as someone says “hello” let them know just how brooding and tragic you are. Irritating one-liners like “whatever,” “shut up, moron,” and “I work alone” are great! Speak in a gravelly voice and maintain a blank stare when recounting your tragic tale of how a criminal shot your parents in a dark alley and/or how you swore revenge on your older brother who murdered your entire clan. Note: this method may fail if your conversation partner is a fanboy/girl with no taste.
If all else fails, channel your inner Link
Just shout “HYAAAGH!” in response to anything anyone says. Bonus points if you smash something ceramic.
