Worst of SFU

For those of you who don’t know, The Peak is running a feature this week made up of answers from actual students from a survey about what the “best of SFU” is. But this is the humour section. So, below is some random bullshit that I made up about the worst of SFU.

 
Worst study spot?

1. Any window table that faces the sun in the library

I do NOT wear my sunglasses at night, or indoors. So, SFU, what am I supposed to do if I’ve got the entire sun pressing its tits against these windows when I’m trying to memorize some irrelevant garbage for some irrelevant course that I’m not interested in, but required to take for my irrelevant degree? Give up. That’s what. This is your fault, SFU.

2. The concrete blocks under Images Theatre.

SFU, do you understand the concept of seats? Or is this stupid shit part of your brutalist aesthetic, too? You’ve succeeded greatly, if so — these benches are super brutalist on my poor ass.

3. Outside, anywhere.

You thought that this was going to be cute at first — but now you’re freezing and your papers have blown everywhere. You’ve lost lectures worth of material, but at least you can post that adorable pre-havoc spread shot of your studying spot on Instagram.

Worst place to have sex?

1. Everywhere, ya nasty.

This rainy campus shouldn’t have the power to make you wet — only damp. And nothing is sexy about damp. Socks get fucking damp when the April showers begin (and continue into July in Vancouver, apparently) and your feet always smell like rotten swamp farts when they’re damp. Go home and wash your feet, girl; fuck with some clean socks on instead.


Worst scenic spot?

1. The AQ reflecting pool.
Let me ask, who takes care of the koi fish at SFU? You, sir, are not doing your job; those koi fish are absolutely rachet. They’re covered in green muck and the piss of drunk students, and that beauty routine isn’t getting them far. Get those girls a shea butter mask or something — damn.  

Worst bus?

1. All of them.

Special shout-out to the 95 B-Line though — why the fuck don’t you stop at the mini stops in between the two main stops at SFU? Do I really have to transfer? Pull over and pick me up, God damn it! It’s dehumanizing to transfer after a
three-second-long bus ride.

Worst lecture hall?

1. Anything in the South East Classroom Block.

Where the fuck am I, and how do I get back to campus?

2. Those tiny lecture halls in the AQ.

This is too intimate. If I farted in here, the whole class would experience the burrito I had for lunch today.

Worst bookstore purchase?

1.  Definitely the books.

Buy your textbooks secondhand, online from a foreign country, or pirate them like the rest of us, you silly first-year dunce.
 
Worst SFU parking spot?

1. Trick question.

There is no such thing as a good SFU parking spot, unless you have a kink for awkwardly speed walking a really far distance to your class on the other side of campus when you’re already 30 minutes late even though you showed up 30 minutes early to find a parking spot since this happened last time and you thought you could properly anticipate it, but you were totally wrong and you missed the quiz again and your professor probably thinks you’re a slacker and even though you are, you weren’t this time, but it’s not like you’re going to explain how awful the parking was to your prof because you’re a slacker and it’s not like you care enough. I won’t kink shame, but friend, you’ve got some very specific taste.