By far, the most interesting mating behaviour exhibited in the animal kingdom is that of the Student homo sapiens. Student homo sapiens are considered unique due to the many limitations and restrictions that would normally prevent them from participating in the typical mating behaviour of the rest of their species. What makes the Student so intriguing is that despite facing more limitations, they engage in mating behaviour far more often. These restrictions — and the ways in which they have adapted to deal with them — are fascinating.
Some of the most prominent ones include:
Lack of monetary assets
Since a Student generally has a negative net monthly income, this prevents them from engaging in what humans refer to as ‘dates.’ On these ‘dates,’ a male of the species typically flaunts his bank account in an attempt to impress a female with the tantalizing size of his wallet. Unfortunately, as the Student has the smallest wallet in the animal kingdom, this method of impressing females is not available to males. Thus, they must attempt other methods. This restriction acts as one of the primary motivations for development of the mating app Tinder.
Absence of any real personality
Upon leaving high school and entering university, many Students realize that although they believed they had a personality, they in fact did not. They eventually realize that the personality they thought they had was either fictional, idiotic, or what students often refer to as ‘basic.’ Coming to this realization is what results in university often being the defining years in the life of a Homo sapien. It also results in the Student attempting to navigate the world without any discernible personality at all for long stretches of time.
This makes the process of mating even more difficult, as without money, one would usually impress the female of the species with one’s unique and interesting personality. Many males, when forced to impress a female with his personality instead of his wallet, grow confused. As the crucial quality of a wallet is its size, males often generalize this to other properties of their character. In the absence of both a sizeable wallet and a unique or interesting personality, the male instead makes the mistake of attempting to impress the females with the size of their personality by speaking very loudly and aggressively in hopes of making his opinions known. This behaviour, though common among males, is particularly ineffective.
Complete lack of sexual prowess
Males of the species often wonder why it is that the females of the species tend to mate with males much older than themselves. The answer, though glaringly obvious, is often missed by the male students. Although they don’t like to admit it, the reason is that they suck at sex. The root of this problem stems from the male’s desire to believe in his own sexual adequacy outweighing his desire to actually be good at sex. This phenomenon is further exasperated by females entirely enabling this delusion to be held by males.
Commonly after 30 to 40 seconds of awkward apologies, sweat, and embarrassing noises created by the repeated thrusting of slimy naked flesh, the female will remain not only unsatisfied, but thoroughly unaroused. On these occasions, the females often engage in a series of vocal productions and bodily movements to indicate to the male that she has been satisfied beyond belief. Although this is clearly and undeniably not the case, the male is easily convinced.
Despite never encountering a real orgasm in the wild, the male somehow manages to convince himself of his ability to tell the difference between a real and a simulated orgasm. This juxtaposition between belief and reality was observed when a female of the species refused to produce even a simulated orgasm. The male did not notice.
Tinder
Perhaps the most effective evolutionary adaptation developed by the Student is the use of the dating app Tinder. Tinder allows students who possess no money, no personality, and no sexual prowess to engage in mating behaviour, and at a rate greater than ever before. By forcing possible mates to judge you solely on your physical appearance, Tinder is the perfect solution for students who have no other means of impressing members of the opposite sex.
