So you’re about to enter the real world and you’re looking for some guidance. You’re not on BuzzFeed for this sage advice, so that’s a victory in itself. This is going to be addressed in the same vein as the criminally underrated film, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and this leads us nicely to tip numero uno.
- Make incredibly outdated references
When in doubt, always go for a Kate Hudson rom-com. Katherine Heigl is an equally viable alternative. This will be a godsend when you’re trying to be topical at dinner parties. Of which there are approximately 213 a year when you’re an adult. The only thing in greater abundance than intellectual conversations is cheese. Why is there always so much fucking cheese?
- Pay your bills when you feel like it
A blasé attitude is highly recommended here. Better yet, wait until the eviction notice arrives before making rent. It’ll give you a rush of excitement that your soul-crushing job and cynical partner can’t. Hello darkness, my old friend.
- Believe that your youthful fitness will never fade
You took a biology class in the eighth grade, so you’ve got a pretty airtight knowledge of the human body. You played (insert sport here — hockey, netball, competitive darts) in high school so you’re going to be a prime specimen until the grave. Except you’ll never die because you’re just that healthy.
- Rely on John Oliver as your only source of news
This one’s just stating the obvious.
- Keep playing the Tinder game
Settle down with a family that loves you and gives you a sense of achievement not quantifiable in words? Thanks, but no thanks. Instead, insist on alternating between multiple dating apps simultaneously — we’re talking four, minimum. Why relish the thought of leaving your imprint on the world with a child when you can instead spend your adult life wondering if that 22-year-old political science major from Ohio is going to look favourably on your “super like”? (You’re 35 in this scenario, and you also still listen to Nickelback. Bathe in that sadness for a second.)
- Learn what a mortgage is
It’s kind of like wearing sandals and trying to be sexually active: pretty fucking pointless.
- Pimp your wardrobe
Gone are the days of experimenting; no more burgundy blazer and felt trousers. Pick a look and aggressively adhere to it. Buy five shirts in slightly different shades of blue — to the point where people are convinced that you only have one shirt that you wear every day. How else are they going to remember who you are?
- And, finally, invest in some chalk.
Take said chalk and every night before bed, inscribe a line on your bedroom wall. That’s another day done of being an adult. At least in prison you’re working out.
Now go, put on your big (gender neutral) pants, and embrace the sweet, sweet nectar of adulthood.
