COLUMN | LIST BITCH: Six things that don’t make you a ‘nice guy’

List Bitch is a new web-exclusive column featuring feisty, unapologetic listicles on life. Click here for more, and check back each week for new content!


[dropcap]A[/dropcap]s a fairly young university student, I constantly hear people fawning over guys for things that are either unimportant or the bare minimum. In case you were wondering whether or not that frat bro or protein snorter are actually real “nice guys,” then read on.

1. Not having sex with drunk girls


Now listen carefully, because apparently this is a difficult concept for some to grasp. Too many guys I have come across seem to expect a pat on the back for this. Congratulations for not being a fucking rapist, would you like a round of applause?

2. Being cordial about the friend zone


If, God forbid, you are one of those whiny manipulative men who can’t stop complaining about the ‘friend zone’ then please, do us all a favour and stop talking. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and it’s not necessary. If your kindness has baggage or an expiration date, then I (and most of my fellow females) don’t want it anyway.

3. Dressing nice


I get it, you clearly have access to a shower and a Gap catalogue. Unfortunately for you, even your most pristine Sperry Topsiders fail to distract from the fact that you reek of douche.

4. Opening the door for people


Granted, this is a nice gesture we all appreciate — despite being common courtesy. Just please leave your misogyny out of it. If you have a penis and I open a door for you, please walk through it without any huffing and puffing. I get it, I can smell your testosterone from here, but please make it easier on both of us and walk through the fucking door.

5. Tipping


Look, everyone should tip. Waiters do not make a living wage. Tipping is polite, expected, and not at all a mechanism for peacocking in front of your date. Chill.

6. Being a self-proclaimed ‘social’ liberal or democrat


Nothing is more ironic than listening in on guys who openly voted for Harper, and yet magically identify as an ally, feminist, environmentalist, and the like, when talking to certain girls. This is an age-old cop-out. Take responsibility for your political actions, and realize you cannot have it both ways.