How late did you party?
a) What are you talking about? We’re still going hard here! (5 points)
b) Made it to midnight to watch the ball drop — you can all leave now! (3 points)
c) Who cares about the new year? I’m more concerned with maintaining my flawless sleep schedule. I was in bed by nine. (1 point)
Who was in attendance?
a) Beyoncé. Mutherfuckin’ Beyoncé. (10 points)
b) Only the closest of my friends got an invite. Who actually enjoys having to entertain 20+ people? (5 points)
c) My parents — everyone else had other plans. Actually. . . I don’t even know if my parents wanted to be here either. (1 point)
What did you eat?
a) Drone delivered Beluga Caviar from the Caspian Sea (with a set of complementary crystal spoons). (5 points)
b) Pizza, but like, not Little Caesars. The good kind. (3 points)
c) Heated up leftover casserole from Aunt Gertrude’s Christmas troth. (1 point)
What was the beverage of choice?
a) Champagne — only the classiest for Beyoncé! (5 points)
b) Sparkling apple cider. I’m not trying to have a rager. (3 points)
c) Sneaking sips of Pabst when my parents weren’t looking. (-5 points)
What was the playlist?
a) Hand-selected mix between pop and indie tracks to give off that perf hipster vibe. (5 points)
b) A premade Spotify playlist of the top 40’s finest (Except Pitbull. Fuck that guy). (3 points)
c) 2000 throwback jamz! . . . What? (1 point)
What was the dress code?
a) Black tie event. If my friends didn’t show up in tuxes, they weren’t let in. (5 points)
b) Jeans and hoodies, like every other day. Time is relative and we’re all going to die anyway. (3 points)
c) My snuggie. I was asleep by midnight. (1 point)
What was the aesthetic?
a) Chandeliers, drop-ball, glitter, sparklers, red lipstick. Very 1920s-esque. It’s not a party without a theme! (5 points)
b) Balloons, party hats, streamers. I’m not Martha Stewart, but everyone loves a few decorations here and there. (3 points)
c) Noise-makers, 2016 sunglasses — every middle schooler’s dream! (1 point)
Results:
35 to 40 points: STELLAR SHINDIG
Now, you know how to party! The great Gatsby couldn’t throw even half the star-studded house wrecker you could. You even (probably) snagged Beyoncé, player! You run the world!
20 to 34 points: BASIC BLOWOUT
So you hung out with your friends on the last day of the year, ate pizza, and listened to fun music. Who needs champagne when you have the best possible company? Even if the New Year’s party was the same as every other party all year, you still had fun and ultimately that’s what counts.
0 to 19 points: HUMDRUM HOOPLA
You should be ashamed of yourself! That was boring as hell. Decorations were tacky, the guests (your parents) went to bed four hours before the ball dropped — everything was awful. The good news: in 365 days, you have a chance to redeem yourself! Luckily for you, the leap year allows an extra day for planning. Use it.
