“I’ve worked here as a campus security guard for more than 30 some-odd years —and nothing prepared me for the unspeakable act those two students were doing inside that there avocado.”

Sixty-one year-old Bruno McPherson struggles to find the words to describe his security shift on SFU’s Burnaby Campus late Friday evening. While the picture of what happened is almost too clear in his mind, reciting his description has been nothing short of mortifying.

Amidst what seemed to be a typical night of monotony on Burnaby Mountain, McPherson took his usual stroll through the AQ when he discovered two students engaging in explicit sexual activity in the cramped crevice of SFU’s most famous fruit.

“I saw them there in it going at it like rabbits — or trying to, anyhow. Didn’t seem like they really knew what they was doing. I’m all for students having ‘relations’ behind close doors, but sweet Jesus, not in front of Terry [Fox]! Have some gosh darned respect.”

The students were apprehended and taken to the SFU security offices where they were questioned on their grievous debauchery. When probed regarding why copulation in an oversized Mexican berry was of interest, the perpetrators placed blame solely on a recently published SFU-centric spoof issue of The Peak titled Peakmopolitan, specifically an article about the best positions to have sex within the fruit. 

Although the students have asked for their names to be kept anonymous, The Peak did catch up with SFU’s filthy fruit philanderers from their cells for further comment on the lustful affair.

“If one party is to blame, it’s those bastards at Peakmopolitan. They made us do it. We waited most of our degree for someone to bestow upon the sacred sexual truths of the avocado, and for what? My partner and I fell off the fucking thing six times trying to get that one move right and now we’re facing academic suspension.”

The students are set to go before an SFU Senate hearing within the month to plead innocence on their crime of avocado-based indecency.

SFU has made no comment on the events as of publication time. However, rumours are swirling that the administration will come down hard on the students to deter others from further defacing what some are beginning to call “the Sexacado.”