For the average SFU student, transiting is a reality that comes with living the glorious university lifestyle. Like an excessively high-priced textbook for a garbage elective, so too is public transit a necessary evil most must endure. While taking the bus or SkyTrain can mirror the atmosphere of an unsupervised asylum mixed with a McDonald’s PlayPlace, it is still commonly regarded as a rather safe means of passage — or so it used to be.
Last Thursday morning, an SFU student was rushed to the hospital with life-threatening injuries after an altercation on a transit vehicle.
At approximately 9 a.m., police arrived on scene at the Production Way–University SkyTrain station to tend to the male SFU student who was viciously assaulted. Paramedics arrived shortly after to take the victim to hospital. When officers questioned passengers on what transpired, they were told that the student was accosted by a middle-aged woman after he offered her his seat.
“It was hilarious. Well, not really. . . but still,” cited one SFU student, who observed the whole catastrophe. “He offered his seat to some lady and she freaked the fuck out. She thought he was making a crack about her age or something and got offended. Next thing I know he’s getting curb stomped, Ryan Gosling-style.”
The interpretive dance major is currently in stable condition recovering from his injuries. The student has declined interviews at this time. However, The Peak spoke with the victim’s mother for comment.
“I’m never letting him go on transit again. I told my husband this would happen. Our transit system is overrun by psychopaths, degenerates, and women who needlessly feel self-conscious about their age. This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me or Mothers Against Unsafe Transit. It’s happening. Just you wait.”
Within a couple hours of the attack, local police issued a statement on the incident and shocked the public with a surprising bit of news.
“The suspect is known to police. Law enforcement is currently taking steps to make sure an event such as this never happens again. Until we have apprehended the suspect, we advise that all students think twice about offering their seats to someone who may need it until a time when we can deem it safe.”
Police then issued a description of the suspect for the general public. She is described as an older woman in her mid-40s with past-her-prime features. She is dressed in clothes that are two sizes too small and not at all appropriate for her age group. Suspect is also described as wearing heavy makeup applied with the tactful swagger of a three-year-old toddler.
Anyone with information is asked to contact the authorities immediately. If approached on transit, students are advised to compliment the woman on her appearance profusely and stay seated until law enforcement officials have arrived.
This is not funny at all.