Inspired by massive sales of Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump memorabilia south of the border, Canadian politicians have climbed aboard the merchandise bandwagon and added a plethora of new items to their online stores. Support both the party of your choice and decadent capitalism by buying one of these hot new items.
Justin Trudeau wig: After learning from Portlandia that putting a bird on ugly things makes them look good, the Liberals followed suit with their Put a Wig on It campaign. By putting Justin Trudeau and his luscious flow in the spotlight, the Liberals have been able to mask their history of scandals and flip-flopping. For the low price of $29.99, you too can own a wig to hide your deep flaws and lack of experience! In support of the Liberals’ stance on marijuana, all wigs are made from Justin Trudeau’s personal hemp collection.
Price: $29.99 (Shipping will be delayed two weeks, as our machines are just not ready.)
Tom Mulcair beard: The bearded population has always been the core of the NDP voter base, and Tom Mulcair has gone out of his way to appeal to that segment of Canada. However, there are many people who have no concept of economics and would like to vote NDP, but unfortunately can’t grow a beard. Well, now on the NDP’s online store you can buy a Mulcair beard and look just like the leader of the federal opposition, and that creepy guy downtown who asks you for money to buy bellinis. This is the perfect gift for any wannabe communists, such as owners of a Che Guevara shirt, people who enjoy reggae, and your history prof.
Price: $19.99 (Sixty per cent off if you actually buy that guy downtown a bellini; he’s the NDP’s finance critic.)
Stephen Harper sweater vest: Because nothing says “strong and stable economy” like the inability to buy a full sweater. Marketed to campus conservatives who suffer from sleeve-ophobia, these vests were worn by big Steve himself while he was on a hectic campaign tour of Canada’s seniors’ residences. Made from real Canadian oil sands yarn — so absorbent, it can wipe away excess urine if you decide to piss in a client’s cup — these vests come with the Bill C-51 Inc. microphone and GPS, which always track your movements and what you say. When rolled up, this sweater also makes an excellent gag; perfect for climate scientists, or just anyone who looks at you funny.
Price: $900.00 (Though subject to change if the Canadian dollar continues to fall.)
Elizabeth May prescription glasses: Whether you’re protesting an oil pipeline or the lack of Vegan Double IPAs at your local gastropub, do it in style with these Elizabeth May prescription glasses! The Greens are currently less significant than that Alaskan goth doing slam poetry at a Chilliwack dive bar, so all proceeds will go to helping buy 30 seconds of airtime for Elizabeth May, which she will use to state her party’s policies. And then she’ll tap dance while playing the accordion and singing Timberlake’s “SexyBack,” because at this point that’s the only thing capable of bringing the Greens above five per cent of the national vote.
Price: $9.99 (Buy three, and we’ll throw in the Alaskan Goth poet’s new book, Aggressive Haiku.)
