My predictions for the SFU 50th Anniversary Campus Kickoff

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Assemble an outfit of your finest SFU swag and get ready to school spirit like you’ve never school spirited before: this year, our fair university turns 50 and the coming months are chock-full of events to celebrate the milestone. Starting the semester’s festivities off is the 50th Anniversary Campus Kickoff, happening September 9 at Freedom Square. Here are a few of our predictions for some of the wackiness sure to go down.

1. During the event’s special address, President Andrew Petter uses the word “engage” or one of its derivatives more than 20 times, besting his old record for “most engages used in a single speech.” (The previous number being 17.)

2. Attendees playing the Presidential Special Address Drinking Game (take a shot every time Petter says engage) will all experience at least some form of mild alcohol poisoning.

3. In line with its age, the university announces plans to purchase a fancy, new, probably red sports car, and drop hints that hair plugs might not be that far off.

4. During the festivities, the SFU Pipe Band has one of their best performances to date, causing a micro-resurgence of pipe band popularity on campus that lasts for several hours.

5. On the day of festivities, the Lower Mainland will experience both the hottest day of the year and a torrential downpour that causes partial flooding. Because summer isn’t going without a fight.

6. In an unexpected upset, the winner of the SFU Legacy Song Contest will be “School Spirit,” an often underrated track from Kanye West’s 2004 debut album The College Dropout. When press reach out to West for a comment on the announcement, he will respond with an annoyed “What took so long?!”

7. The only food options available at the kickoff will be instant ramen and cups of coffee, the two official foods of SFU students.

8. Tired of always playing second and third fiddle to Burnaby Mountain, both the Vancouver and Surrey campuses will use the celebration as a platform to announce a united sovereignty movement from SFU. (Response to the announcement will be generally apathetic, because no one was paying attention to those two campuses anyways.)

9. For a brief, fleeting moment, you’ll be so impressed with the kickoff festivities that you’ll forget all about how much you’re paying for your degree.