Congratulations on enrolling in your first Standard Party First Aid & CPR course. The skills you learn here will ideally never have to be used in real life, but they will be helpful in preserving fun times if the occasion ever rises.
In this unit, you’ll learn the steps on how to handle yourself if at a party where you and others are at risk of not having a good time. We will also cover how to asses the situation and perform basic Cool Party Recovery (CPR) in order to prevent further loss of fun.
Note: In this scenario, we will be looking specifically at incidents that happen within a person’s household. Major buzzkills can occur outside of the home, and should be handled on a case-by-case basis.
The “rescue process” and assessing the situation
Start things off with what’s known as the “rescue process.” First, assess the scene and check that there are no immediate threats that could put you at risk of being totally over this party. Once it has been determined that the party is salvageable, you should focus on the “primary emergencies”; if someone looks near the breaking point or like they’re about to start a fight out of sheer boredom, they are a primary emergency and should be assisted first. After that, you can take care of “secondary emergencies,” or people who are clearly not enjoying themselves but are still managing to force a smile.
Note: Assessing the situation is the first and most important step. If a party is clearly beyond saving, there’s no sense in endangering your own social life by also becoming a victim.
Moving someone into the “recovery position”
One of the most important things to know about Standard Party First Aid is the “recovery position.” After checking for primary and secondary emergencies, do a visual assessment of which attendees are the least attractive. (Anyone below a five on the hotness scale should be noted but this can be a sliding scale, depending on the number of people at the party.) Approach the >5s one by one and inform them that you know Standard Party First Aid and you’re here to help the party. After they’ve given their consent, gently help the person to the floor and roll him/her onto their side so they are facing away from the rest of the party. Once they’re in the recovery position, ensure they are comfortable and move onto the next person.
If someone is choking up or telling a bad story
If you spot someone openly trying to flirt with another person but they keep choking up and making things awkward for everyone, you may have to intervene. Encourage the bumbling individual to bend slightly at the waist and repeatedly hit his or her upper back, flat palmed, until all of the dumb anecdotes and cheesy pickup lines have been successfully forced from the person’s airway.
Note: To verify that a person is completely out of boring things to say, have them say a few sentences and listen for any references to their new addiction to juice bars or cliche jokes from early ‘90s SNL skits. If present, it’s possible you will have to reapply another cycle of open-palm hits in their back. Repeat until signs of a personality begin to emerge.
Treating a smelly individual or body part
The more people there are in a room together, the higher the risk of one or more of those people having pungent body odour. When left untreated, an individual’s stank can severely bring down the mood of a party and may even lead to some attendees saying they have to work in the morning and leaving early. Help the affected smelly person to the nearest sink and run warm, soapy water over the stink-infected areas. If the odour persists even after being washed, call emergency party services and inform them of the situation.
Moving someone who’s passed out from boredom
In severely boring cases, a person can actually fall asleep while standing up and injure themselves by toppling over. If you see someone continuously yawning and with their eyes less than 10 cm open, they could be at risk of passing out. Quickly recite them a joke you read on the Internet or talk about how your friend’s friend once hooked up with Quentin Tarantino and it was apparently as weird as you’d think it would be. Your main goal is to keep the person awake until a Flip Cup tournament can be organized or someone suggests ordering pizza.
Note: If you’re too late and the person has already collapsed from boredom, help move them to another room and inform the host. They’ll regain consciousness later on when the party is either picking up or officially winding down.
Applying an arm sling to prevent over-texting
If you notice a person has been constantly checking his or her phone all night, they might be suffering from broken social skills and will require your immediate attention. Using a piece of fabric, wrap the person’s dominant hand and tie the ends into a knot behind his or her neck. Ensure the fabric is tight and the hand cannot escape. While this won’t prevent someone from checking their phone entirely, it will at least slow the process until they finally leave or their phone dies.
Note: An arm sling may also be necessary if the person is always showing other attendees pictures of his or her kids, even without prompting.
You are now equipped to administer Standard Party First Aid & CPR in any situation that might be in danger of reaching critically un-fun levels. Remember that, as an administrator of Standard Party First Aid, you have a responsibility to ensure maximum enjoyment is had by all and that any threats to a good time are dealt with safely and in a timely fashion.
