Thank you, but no thanx

Image courtesy of Avard Woolaver (Flickr)

I thank you. Thank you for reading this.

There! Wasn’t that simple and, most importantly, sensible? Thanking each other for every little small act has been the norm for years. But now, these have become two of the most forgotten words in our communities.

In the past, this was once considered the only decent way of expressing gratitude to someone: “I thank you.” But somewhere along the way, we decided to throw away the first part, because we are lazy verbal sloths. Now, there is literally no “I” in “I thank you.”

So then we were left with “thank you,” which really wasn’t all that bad. Multi-talented musicians like Led Zeppelin, Boyz II Men, and Jay-Z used their blessed voices to bring us songs titled “Thank You,” while some decided to use homonyms, like Alanis Morissette and Ayumi Hamasaki. These two decided to substitute the phonetically taxing “you” with “U,” resulting in songs both called “Thank U.”

Who do these Canadians and Japanese think they are? Too cool for two extra letters?

And then we lost it. We decided to completely throw away the subject of our already degenerating gratitude “U,” and we were left with “thank.”

I don’t know what a “thank” is. Someone struggling to learn English might assume is the equivalent of thanks; I don’t blame them for it, since English is the silliest language on the planet. Thank you, British colonialism!

And now, as a society, we are heading towards oblivion. We are left trying to make sense of the word “thank.” We’ve tried being clever and adding “s” at the end, but Shakespeare beat us to it.

So, in an attempt to surpass this method of appreciation, we have tried to become pseudo-futuristic about it by combining “k” and “s” and replacing the amalgam with “x.” But “thanx” is not actually a polite way to show gratitude. It is lazy and a slippery slope to — and I can’t believe I am saying this — “ty.”

Apparently, in this texting-saturated world, we have tried to bring back the “you” after the “thank,” resulting in “ty,” a short-form for “thank you.” This is not the same. Rather, saying “ty” is inconsiderate verbal insensitivity for not even taking the time to send a proper expression of gratitude.

If you do use “ty,” please stop. You are a beautiful human being and you’re not in junior high anymore, so who are you trying to impress with your cool new slang? This is an abomination of the simple, old-fashioned decency of thanking another human being. Not some autocorrect, curated, nitrate-rich fertilizer you thought of while standing in line to buy your Uggs.

Heck, not even the rudest panhandler is gonna tell you “táy” — which is how “ty” is pronounced — after accepting your reluctant quarters and safety pins.

And since you have read this far, I want to bring you up to date with the thanking trends: “T” is the new short-form for thanks. I just made it up and I will use it from this moment onwards. Until next time, T for reading this.