When riding the bus, you can’t help but notice an array of flamboyant personalities — and the backpacks they’re still wearing — being shoved in your face. It’s impossible to anticipate what kind of crazy you’ll encounter next, but here’s a brief cheat sheet to help you identify some of the various transit riders bound to spice up your commute.
Dwight Schrute: They know the exact location and degree of the angle at which the bus doors will open. Always at the very front of the line, they insist on being the first person to get on and inhale the intoxicating never-been-washed-or-disinfected bus smell. They keep their bus pass in a see-through pocket at a convenient location around their neck, on their backpack, in their jacket breast pocket, or stapled to their forehead. This isn’t their first rodeo — and by rodeo, I mean bus ride.
The Rebel: You know that person in your tutorial who never does the readings? The Rebel is similar, but only when it comes to reading signs. They believe they’re disabled, 50-years-old, and/or pregnant, so they’re clearly the most qualified to sit in the priority seating. Don’t worry though: once someone calls The Rebel out on their insensitivity, The Rebel will miraculously recover from his/her temporary dyslexia and plead ignorance.
’Murica: This person loves to shove their way through a crowded bus, take up the majority of the leg room, and use five hand holders. One of ‘Murica’s signature moves is to put their groceries on the seat beside them instead of on the floor. (In their minds, groceries are people too. People who just want to fit in with everyone on the bus and have a lot of feelings.) If you ask ‘Murica to move the groceries so you can sit down, they’ll react as if you just asked to cut their dog with a fork.
Window Tapper: In case you didn’t know, transit operates entirely on the Window Tapper’s schedule. If they ever see a bus leaving a stop without them, the Window Tapper will be profoundly shocked. Convinced this is the last bus that will ever leave from this stop again, the Window Tapper will use everything in his or her arsenal to get on the bus. Screaming, yelling, swearing, crying, waving, and (of course) window tapping, the Window Tapper will try everything, until going into shock and curling up in the fetal position — at least until the next bus comes eight minutes later.
Foodie: The soul-less individual who decided that their Subway tastes so much better if enjoyed while in an enclosed space, like a bus. Sweet onion chicken teriyaki, with extra onions please.
