As educated readers know, summer is one of the hottest seasons around and if you believe those crackpot climate ‘scientists’ with their ‘facts’ and ‘overwhelming empirical evidence’ it’s only going to get hotter, so without further ado, here are some good ways to stay cool . . .

1) Set yourself on fire 

This is somewhat counter-intuitive, as fires can sometimes get quite warm. However, self-immolation is about sacrificing short-term comfort for long-term coolness. Yes, you will feel some discomfort as the flames mercilessly tear through your skin, peeling back layer after layer at an agonizingly slow rate. But, when the fire department arrives and blasts you with gallons of frosty water, a welcome wave of coolness will wash all over what is left of your body. Of course, the real benefit of lighting yourself on fire is that you will no longer feel hot for the rest of the summer: you will only feel pain.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: It is extremely dangerous to light yourself on fire IN PRIVATE. Please do it in a public place, where somebody is sure to call some firemen.)

2) Wait for a cool breeze

This tried-and-true coolness method has been around for thousands of years, and for good reason: sometimes there are cool breezes. The main drawback of the cool breeze is that sometimes there are not cool breezes.

3) Jump in a neighbour’s pool

Though most of us think of our neighbors’ pools primarily as our own personal open-air toilets, they can actually double as a place to keep cool during those hot summer months. As you jump in, try not to think of all the ‘contributions’ that you have made to the pool over the years, and be sure to clean yourself off VERY THOROUGHLY after you get out.

4) Accidentally get locked in a walk-in freezer

Now this a great way to stay cold! Accidentally locking yourself in a walk-in freezer is very easy — first, get yourself a summer job at a cold-storage warehouse, say for example Sharp Base Shipping & Transport Canada Ltd, 3456 Bridgeway, Vancouver, BC. Then fall asleep briefly in the freezer at closing time on a Friday. You will get locked in by your jerk-off co-worker Ricky and be forced to spend an entire weekend freezing your ass off in a bullshit walk-in freezer. Being locked in this icy prison will inspire you to write informative articles for your university newspaper’s humour section, as well as plan an elaborate and painful revenge for Ricky.

BONUS way to stay cool, for my co-worker Ricky: Death

REMEMBER: There is nothing quite as refreshing as the cold embrace of death!!! DO YOU HEAR ME RICKY?!!!!