Every four years, the world comes together for one of the greatest sporting events our planet has to offer. Unfortunately, this event is a soccer tournament and not something cool like ice hockey or competitive beyblades. However, for those looking for some excitement this June, the FIFA World Cup can still provide lot of entertainment and intrigue if you just give it a chance and gamble your life savings on the outcome.
Of course, you could probably make a bit of money by betting on teams like Spain, Brazil and Germany to win the cup in 1-0 games, but the only way to ensure an enormous cash winfall is to make bets that no one else is making. Here’s a couple of almost sure-to-miss bets that if they somehow come true, you will never ever have to worry about money again! Your only money worry will be that there’s too much of it, and you can just pay someone to worry about that for you!
1.The “Eastern Europe Civil Unrest” Pick
Final Match: Bosnia vs. Herzegovina
Winner: Serbia
Score: N/A
Odds: 1:10,000,000
While simply plunking down some dough on a Bosnia-Herzegovina championship would surely put you in an exclusive group of reckless gamblers with little knowledge of soccer, this bet takes things even further and should be able to earn you at least a couple million dollars even if you only put in a penny in Vegas.
This bet suggests you take the underdog nation Bosnia-Herzegovina to make it to the finals against cross border rival, Croatia, another long-shot choice. Take Bosnia-Herzegovina to win the match but also bet that coincidentally back in Europe, Herzegovina will declare itself a separate independent nation. This forces a second final match between former teammates in a Bosnia against Herzegovina. Take the now even bigger underdog, Herzegovina, to win the game but also bet that their brand new nation will be annexed by Croatia during the game who, despite their loss in the original final, will be briefly crowned victors.
Finally, bank on Serbia and Croatia entering into another war, this time over control of the Herzegovina territory. Take Serbia to win the war (2-1 in penalties) and predict them as FIFA World Cup champions even though their original team was eliminated in the qualifying stages.
Make this bet if . . . you can feel good about getting filthy rich off of massive civil unrest and casualties in the Herzegovina region.
Don’t make this bet . . . if you have any decency or have actual knowledge about the current political state of this area of the world, FIFA rules and regulations, or soccer in general.
2. The “World Cup of Football” Bet
Final Match: Portugal vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Winner: Jacksonville
Score: 27-6
Odds: 1:1,000,000
Currently, the FIFA World Cup is determined by the winner of a “football” game but the meaning of that word is very contentious, especially amongst drunk bar patrons. This long-shot prediction suggests that one of these idiots on the “you throw a football side” somehow convinces FIFA that they’re playing the wrong sport.
Whether this decision comes as a result of a change in the dictionary or a technicality in the official rulebook has no bearing on the bet, but it must occur for your prediction to come true.
Once the ruling is made, the US will probably replace their soccer line-up with the complete roster of one of their National Football League teams. To be really bold, however, your bet needs to predict that this team will not be one of the league’s finest (at least one confused American is bound to take the New England Patriots as their World Cup pick) but go with a team that’s a dark horse, even if the bet were “will win two NFL games next season.”
The other nations, unaccustomed to “real football” are pretty much a crapshoot to pick as runners-up, but since the games will probably just turn into field goal kicking competitions you might as well pick a good long-range shooting team like Portugal to meet the Jaguars in the finals.
Definitely take the Jags to win the Cup but don’t predict a shutout performance. Even if Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t seem like he’d adapt very well to American football, he’s still better than any kicker on Jacksonville.
Make this bet if . . . you know the true meaning of the word “football” and aren’t afraid of the fact that 90 per cent of the world vehemently disagrees with you.
Don’t make this bet . . . if you watched any Jacksonville Jaguars games last season.
3. The “Most Glorious World Cup” Wager
Final Match: North Korea vs. South Korea
Winner: North Korea
Score: 99-00
Odds: 1:100,000,000
Any Korea winning the World Cup would be a huge surprise, but there are two factors that make the South a safer choice. First, they made it to the semi-finals in 2002 after a huge upset win against Spain and second, they are the only Korea that will participate in this World Cup.
But, of course, one of the best strategies to making a one-of-a-kind sports bet is to pick a team that is not even involved in the competition and that’s why those looking to make some serious scratch should pick the North to come home victorious.
Now this bet relies heavily on some enormous non-sports related events to occur, most importantly North Korea’s successful acquisition of a nuclear weapon. Once they have that, you’ll also have to hope that leader Kim Jong Un’s priority is, for some reason, to use his newfound power to win a dumb soccer trophy.
If this all goes down though, the rest of your predictions are fairly straight forward. Just bet that North Korea will take the tournament hostage and demand to play for the World Cup against the opponent of their choice. They should take South Korea, and based on the presidential golf scores that have come out of their country in the past, 99-0 shouldn’t be too much of a stretch as a final score.
Make this bet if . . . you live in North Korea. It’s actually the only bet they will allow you to make there and will be the exact outcome reported in their local newspapers.
Don’t make this bet . . . if you have insider information on North Korea’s nuclear program or can guess how well it’s probably going.
