DEAR DR. YGOR: I have spent much of my adolescent years growing my reputation as a supreme dick and all around terrible person. My friends, or shall I say acquaintances, have learned that I am irritable, cynical, uncaring, and to just generally avoid me. Children in my neighbourhood have come to the conclusion that I must have serious mental issues in order to summon up this amount of dickishness, and they, too, generally avoid me. That’s the way I like it. I’ve worked 18 hard years to get to where I am.
Today, however, I may have thrown that all down the drain. While waiting for the one acquaintance, that can still stand to be around me, so I could tear down his hopes and dreams, a girl came up to me and asked me for a charitable donation for some cause. Now, normally, I’d come up with some less than witty but still hurtful retort. Today, however, I just froze. The only way I could think of getting out of the situation was giving her my spare change. It was only after running away (and not ruining my friend’s day) that I realized I committed a charitable act. Am I still a dick? Can I repair my reputation as an abomination against humanity?
DEAR DEDICATED COLUMN READER: You have come to the right doctor. In addition to having been Bulgaria’s No. 32nd Psychiatrist, I happened to be Bulgaria’s number one dick. In fact, I lost my license over my refusal to use positive psychiatry, instead belittling my patients, and encouraging their self-doubts and insecurities.
In my years of being a dick, I’ve learned how to exploit any situation as a showcase for my dickery. As such, where you see a failure of character, I see potential. Though most people agree that charity is good, one thing everyone hates is smugness, especially undeserved smugness, my favourite kind of smugness. Now assuming you’re not Bill Gates, your donation was probably no more than 75 cents. Assuming that, I’d say brag about your charitable contribution. Go on and on about how they don’t care about children and that they spend all their money on lattes instead of people in need, and how they get to go back to their comfy, cozy homes and watch their TVs.
Congratulations, you’re now not just an “irritable, cynical and uncaring” dick but an “irritable, cynical, uncaring and pompous dick”. And remember, when anyone asks how much you donated, stand up and proudly state, “75 CENTS!”
Make us dicks proud (or at least only mildly sarcastic)!
-DR. YGOR YVANOVIC
