Or maybe the people who made them are just out of their minds
1. “E.T.” – Katy Perry
I’m still confused by this one. At face value, it’s fairly simple. Katy Perry is an alien searching the universe for her lost love, who is of a different species. After tumbling through space while shrieking along to music, she finds space boy in a pile of space rubble, bringing him to life like he’s her sleeping beauty with bi-special love’s kiss.
Combined with the lyrics, though, shit gets weird in this video. Kanye West offers an intro and an interlude, and under her love interest’s silver paint job, he’s black. I don’t know about you, but a white chick singing “They say be afraid/ You’re not like the others… Different DNA/ They don’t understand you,” to two black dudes makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
And then there’s “Infect me with your love/ Fill me with your poison.” Look, ladies, I dislike male genitalia as much as the next lesbian, but male singers don’t go around singing about your battle axe wound gobbling their meat rapier in a War of the Roses themed video, so lay off the misandry. As for the alien allegory for race? It’s the 21st century – fuck right off.
2. “Lollipop” (Candyman) – Aqua
Ah, the 90s. A simpler time, when everyone was high on MDMA/ ecstasy. If you don’t believe me, watch this video. I think this might be my favourite worst video just because of the honesty. There’s no allegory for some “issue”, it’s just people singing about drugs and wanting to fuck other people while on those drugs.
Why is it set in space? Because that’s how fucking high they were. The premise is — I honestly don’t know. They were looking for “lollipops” in space? There’s a giant iguana, and then some aliens that look like the shitty drawings in your local blacklight bowling alley show up and enslave the band until their robot dealer gets them high with his rainbow laser, and then they’re all friends.
If you made it out of the 90s without a drug problem, give yourself a pat on the back.
3. “Space Man” – Bif Naked
For further proof that everyone was high on goofballs in the 90s one need look no further than this video. It’s just Bif running around a fake space station while singing. And she has a magic mirror that changes the colour of her lipstick when you kiss it. That’s it.
After listening to the song now, in my adulthood, I’m questioning the collective sanity of Gen-X. I’m pretty sure Naked is singing about wanting to be abducted. I used all of my English major skills and I can’t find a double meaning. Kanye should make a cameo at the end of this one, ‘cause this shit crazy.
4. “We are all made of stars” – Moby
This one actually made sense, despite the fact that it’s just Moby hanging out in a genuine NASA space suit with a bunch of then- washed up stars (seriously, Verne Troyer and Dave Navarro, Thora Birch and Tommy Lee — remember them?) in and around Hollywood Boulevard. Maybe it just makes more sense than the last one.
The song itself is just Moby doing what he does best: singing a hippie ballad to some synth pop music. The only real connection to stars or outer space is the fact that he says “we are all made of stars” in the chorus. Then there are stars in the video, and he’s wearing an as- tronaut suit. Ok, so it doesn’t make sense, but who doesn’t love a good montage video?
5. “Born This Way” – Lady Gaga
I admit, I had a vested interest in this song. I heard it and thought to myself “Pride 2011 anthem,” and so I liked it on that basis alone. I have no problem with the lyrics, and parts of the video are all right (I have an affinity for line dancing, paint orgies, skull make-up, and ladies in pant suits). The rest can go to hell. Or space, whichever.
I’m assuming the video’s intro is done under the pre- tense of Gaga as “mother mon- ster,” giving birth to all the gay freaks and weirdos that suckle at her musical teat. Gaga: we aren’t “your” gays; you didn’t invent us (but you are an in- spiration to drag performers everywhere).
That space-vagina birth scene is almost as terrifying as actual birth videos, but in the song’s context, it is patronizing and a signifier of Gaga’s delusions of gay grand poobah grandeur. Get a grip and come back down to earth.
