By Gary Lim
Ah, New Years, a time for clean breaks and new beginnings, like moving to
Mexico to start a new life without all the back-alley plastic surgery. Anyways January rolls around again, and we can leave all the terrible, illegal, and unforgivable things we did in the past and move forward. New Years does come with its own can of worms, and I’m not talking about the mad-dash to find someone to drunkenly suck-face to Auld Lang Syne with at midnight.
What I am talking about is your New Year’s resolution, the promise of self-improvement you make to yourself so you can better than you used to be. I mean, have you ever met past-you? That guy sucks. But self-improvement is hard. If it wasn’t, then reality TV probably wouldn’t be a thing. So the question becomes, “How can I improve myself without all of that effort and sweat that motivated people are so keen about?” Well we at The Peak have come up with four handy tips to make you marginally better than you were last year.
1. Lower Your Expectations
People dream too big nowadays, which is just a trap to set yourself up for
failure. Sure you’ll resolve to lose 20 pounds, but after three weeks of healthy eating and early-morning workouts, you’ll find yourself on the kitchen floor spooning a salty mixture of tears and Haagen-Dazs into your gullet. The trick to avoiding these potholes is to start small, and then never, ever work your way up. It’s as easy as 1-2-3, only you never get past one.
2. Pay Someone
While money can solve the majority of one’s problems, when it comes to New
Year’s resolutions there is no substitute for sheer discipline and willpower or, barring that, even more money. Did you know that you can pay people to do things for you? For literally every vice, goal or love handle that exists, there also exists some person who yell, listen or scam you into being the person you want to be, and for a modest fee of only $49.99 per month of the first three months, then $79.99 afterward.
3. Be Chinese
Or more accurately, opt to celebrate Chinese New Year’s instead. Not only
will you separate yourself from the pack (Yeah I used to use the Gregorian
calendar too, before it sold out), you’ll get to immerse yourself in a whole new holiday, one based predominantly around firecrackers and dragon costumes. Plus, no one really knows when Chinese New Year’s is coming since it uses the Lunar calendar, there’s no time to plan out your resolution, and it will likely ending up being “I resolve to figure out when Chinese New Year’s falls on next year.” But you won’t.
4. Joke Resolutions
What? Your resolution is to be more awesome? Hahahahah — kill yourself.
Well there you have it. Four foolproof tips for you to make 2013 the most
passable year ever. Though it likely won’t help too much since this issue of the paper doesn’t come out until the 7th. I guess my resolution should’ve been “I resolve to get this into my editor on time.” Haha— oh god, number four. I’m sorry everyone, goodbye.
