The Bakersfield Condor’s look to singing sensation Justin Bieber for help

By Bryan Scott

Well, if a looming NHL lockout wasn’t enough to give you hockey related nightmares, this surely will. Justin Bieber (the singer) has been offered a contract with the Bakersfield Condors of the ECHL (this is their official name). I do not know where to start with this particular piece of news, but seriously, what the fuck? I understand the team’s point of view. Unless you are an avid hockey fan, or in the Alex Burrows Fan Club, you wouldn’t have any idea what the ECHL is. It is an alternative affiliate with NHL teams that isn’t the AHL. Clearly, they are starving for attention, and with a potential NHL lockout . . . why not sign Biebs?
What really grinds my gears is the team’s description of Bieber’s play on their website: “Soft hands, a good skating stride, and a devastating wrist shot capable of beating NHL caliber goaltenders.” I scoured the internet to find this video of Bieber’s “devastating” wrist shot. I found one video. After watching it, I looked up the definition of the word “devastating.” Surprisingly, the definition is not “a heart-wrenching Much Music special where he plays with the Toronto Maple Leafs and scores.” The caliber of the NHL goalie is debatable, with Jonas Gustavsson between the pipes. I have no problem with the stunt. I do have a problem with the team trying to pump Justin Bieber’s tires. There are plenty of players who are better than him who do not get this kind of opportunity.
I would be surprised if Bieber accepts or even looks at this offer, an amateur tryout contract for the upcoming 2012–13 season. Would Bieber really take a pay cut worth millions of dolalrs to play hockey? I hope this is a publicity stunt for the Condors, because if it isn’t, they need to fire their scouting staff. It is clear that they based their entire decision on this lone video. “I’ve scouted some video of him online skating with my hometown team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, and I think he could provide some elusive speed up front for us,” said Head Coach/Director of Hockey Operations Matt O’Dette on the team’s website. So, that seems legit, right? Since when have teams been looking for a 5’7 pop singer’s body for their team?
The Condors’s management clearly do not understand that crude jokes are not funny when the lockout is just around the corner. Let’s keep hockey Bieber-less.