Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Good news! This week you can expect your baleen to absolutely overflow with krill. (Note: This week’s horoscope only applies to grey whales)
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Like the bull, this week you’re going to need to be strong, stubborn and adept at avoiding being stabbed by fancy Spanish men.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Social awkwardness will ensue when you realize you’ve shown up to the party wearing the same outfit as everyone else. The grand exalted leader suggests forgetting about it with a nice glass of punch.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Mars is retrograde in your sign this week. I saw it with a Walkman earlier, it’s been on a weird ‘90s kick this whole month.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Look, you didn’t hear it from the stars, but don’t be too “surprised” if it seems like everyone’s forgotten your “birthday party.” They did.
Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
Your loneliness will reach a tipping point this week when you find yourself moving furniture at 3 a.m. just so you can hear someone’s voice through the walls.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
No, being locked in a cedar chest for 20 minutes is not grounds for childhood trauma resulting in vigilante crime-fighting. Besides, mothballman is a stupid name.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Your sign is in the rising House this week. It looks like lupus, but will turn out to be a South American frog parasite by the second act.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
More like Vag-ittarius, am I right? Dude, this week you’re going to be killing it! If you’re a woman, uh, prepare to have some very confusing experiences.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling when public speaking by eating fewer caterpillars beforehand.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
By failing to follow last week’s horoscope, you have rendered your lives and the lives of those in your district forfeit.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Get ready to scale major obstacles! Be ready for a photo fin-ish!
(Submitted by Will Ross)