People who say “YOLO” will soon be put to death
A new bylaw proposed by conservative MP Shelly Parsons was passed in Parliament last Thursday. The bylaw evokes a three-strikes policy in which people caught using the term “YOLO” in either online parlance or in real life would be viciously bludgeoned to death by everyone in the immediate vicinity.
The law has a special clause indicating specifically that the acronym “YOLO” would result in capital punishment. Using the long form “You only live once” would garner a less severe punishment of chemical castration.
The bylaw is being applauded by both the liberal opposition and fringe parties alike, all of whom are sick of idiots appending #YOLO to anything and everything that happens to them over the course a day.
The bill’s creator added, “Yes, we get the irony.”
– David Davenport
New homeopathic street drug claims another life
The dangerous new homeopathic street drug, Johnny Wort, has claimed yet another life. A Burnaby teenager whose name cannot be published is the latest in a rash of deaths.
Close friends of the teen told reporters, “[name redacted] was always the ‘thrill-seeker’ in our group. I mean, he did it all. Echinea. Hibisus. Gin-seng. He lived on the edge, he’d dilute things down to half, a quarter, hell, even an eighth of their original concentration. But in the end it caught up with him.”
The coroner’s report confirmed this overdose to be the cause of death, showing “an almost zero per cent concentration of any medicinal ingredients in the teen’s bloodstream.” The report went on to add, “At levels that diluted, an overdose was inevitable.”
– Rich Richards
Neil deGrasse Tyson “sick of entire internet”
Perceptions were shattered last Friday as video of a drunken Neil deGrasse Tyson going off on an expletive-fueled tirade outside Blue Note Jazz Club surfaced online.
In the video, the inebriated astrophysicist was quoted as saying “Bunch of cat-watching, meme-making freaks. I used to be an astrophysicist, an astro [expletive]-ing physicist. But now look at me…,”
Pausing to briefly vomit into a trash receptacle, the medal of excellence winner continued, “I used to be something. I used to be a contender [laughs]. Before all this, I was picking apart the mysteries of the universe. But now people come up to me on the street. Do the ‘We got a badass here’ thing! Do the ‘We got a badass here’ thing! Like I’m a [expletive]ing Disneyland Goofy.”
– Wendy Wendleton
By Gary Lim
