Top Humour
An SFU Halloween choose your own adventure
October 28, 2020By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor INTRO: It’s Halloween! And you, being the procrastinating piece of shit you are, left a major project due tonight until this morning. With someone in your house dressed as a bootleg Coraline wearing a blue mop head blaring the same three seconds of a Melanie Martinez song for a ~spooky~ TikTok, you opt to work on campus. It’s a Friday night during remote learning. You thought you were alone. START: Suddenly, a bang sounds from RCB. You snap your head up as your 450 out of 1,000 words scream at you to not look away.…
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What happens if the “Local Women in Your Area!” actually find you?
October 26, 2020By: Alex Masse, Peak Associate Would you spend a devastating seven more bucks a month on a new streaming service for a show unavailable on Netflix, or do you risk some harmless little malware and maybe a housecall from the…
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Fiancés upset they can’t hold big wedding that would have ended in divorce six months later
October 20, 2020By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor SURREY, BC — After moving out from the rock they were living under, a couple is devastated to learn that a pandemic would be preventing them from hosting their planned 500-person wedding this fall. In…
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My Duo: the Duolingo Owl Horror Story
October 11, 2020By: Emma Jean, Staff Writer It was just after 10 o’clock. I’d finally submitted my essay on Canvas, and my burning eyes demanded I close my laptop for the night. Instead, of course, I unlocked my phone. Amongst emails, notifications,…
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Wildlife to move into Beedie student’s forest tattoo sleeve following increase in campus construction
September 27, 2020By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor Dear SFU, I know that with all those new stunning, only entirely gentrified cinder blocks you call your new Residence buildings are taking a toll on the wildlife and their habitats. But who can blame…
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Rejected ideas for the Student Union Building (SUB)
September 21, 2020By: Juztin Bello, Carter Hemion, Emma Jean, Paige Riding, Nathan Tok, and Sara Wong Escape room (By Juztin) As any SFU student knows, being on campus is already kind of like being in an escape room: you’re anxious, have the overwhelming…
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SFUnexplained: Former SFU president Andrew Petter replaced by suspicious look-alike during final term
September 20, 2020By: Carter Hemion, Peak Associate Wake up, sheeple! Our beloved previous university president, Andrew Petter, has been replaced by a doppelgänger. For starters, Petter has not been seen in person for months. After a decade of hard work spent keeping…
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The recollections of an SFU Boomer
September 13, 2020By: Carter Hemion, Peak Associate Here’s the skinny of it: incoming students for the online Fall 2020 semester are getting off too easy. They get to wake up at 8:29 a.m. for their 8:30 a.m. lectures, go to class without…
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Millionaire returns from isolated Caribbean retreat, complains about forced isolation in the real world
September 11, 2020By: Serena Bains, Staff Writer I just returned from a peaceful silent retreat from an island in the Caribbean, the name of which is not important for true soul-searchers like me. To my dismay, I returned to a dastardly state…
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Professor shocked that students do not have the textbook mentioned in the syllabus emailed the night before class
September 9, 2020Written by Paige Riding, Humour Editor As Dr. Galicken’s PSYC 392 course started this week, he was infuriated to see half of the Zoom call participants turn off their cameras and the other half visibly roll their eyes when he…
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