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Parking at SFU is the fucking worst

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[dropcap]I[/dropcap] am not the first to say that parking at SFU Burnaby is the fucking worst. Anyone who has driven to campus and tried to find a spot can attest that unless you’re here at 8:30 a.m., or after 5:30 p.m., you have to pray to the parking gods for a decent space.

Now, of course there are other options. There’s bussing, walking, and various other modes of self-propelled transportation. Lots of people use those methods to commute every day. Just looking at last semester, there was around 30,000 students, graduate and undergraduate, enroled in classes at SFU. There will always be students who drive to school for one reason or another. Continuing to ignore that entire demographic is negligent of the university.

On top of being inconvenient, parking is expensive. At $3.25 an hour for the occasional commuter, $280 per semester for a pass to the overcrowded outdoor parking lots, and almost $400 per semester for a ‘no-guarantee’ indoor pass, it is pretty clear the Burnaby campus is at a crossroads.

Anyone dropping this kind of cash on a parking space should have the peace of mind that they will be able to park. And yet, here we are. In 2014 — back when those outside lots were called B, C, and Discovery P3 (because that naming scheme makes so much sense) — SFU sold 2,300 permits for fewer than 2,000 stalls. SFU is assuming not everyone is going to need a spot at once, and they are wrong.

Many groups on campus, including the SFSS, have pledged to address the commuter culture at SFU, but I don’t see how that is possible so long as the administration is banking on students not sticking around all day.

SFU needs to do better by their commuting students, staff, and faculty

I’m sure there’s an algorithm somewhere that dictates this makes sense. It’s a parking industry standard to oversell permits at 20–40 percent over capacity. However, this results in people who use the parking lots getting screwed over. The permits sold are monthly, with non-standard parking permits for evenings and weekends. But everyone has different schedules that can’t be accounted for, like occasional users who don’t buy a permit. An entire contingent of the parking calculation is overlooked, and this is what messes up everyone’s parking experiences.

Parking at SFU Surrey isn’t a picnic either. Visitor parking only costs a dollar an hour, and student parking permits cost less than $130 for an entire semester. Unfortunately, student permits are assigned by lottery. Don’t get a permit? Then you’re shit out of luck for the semester.

I wish I could say the Vancouver campus is better, but I’d be lying. SFU Parking recommends four parking lots. Of the recommended lots outside of Harbour Centre locations, only one offers student discounted rates. And those hours are from 2 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. That’s great if you only take an evening class or two, but if Vancouver’s your main campus then you’re competing with everyone else in downtown Vancouver who wants to park their car.

Of course, there are other options that involve taking your car, but are easier on the wallet — and possibly on your luck of finding a spot. Maybe you’ve heard of it before, it’s a phenomenon known as carpooling. And though it’s seen decreased popularity in recent years, maybe it’s time for it to make a comeback.

Not a lot of students know that SFU is a member of the Jack Bell Rideshare program. What’s worse is that a lot of students have probably never even heard of this program. The Jack Bell Rideshare program connects people who need rides in order to lessen the financial burden on all parties involved.

It’s a great idea, but aside from saving a few dollars on gas, there’s not enough of an incentive to carpool. Since SFU students commute from all over the Lower Mainland, finding people who live near you and who keep the same hours is nearly impossible.

Maybe we need to look at how other post-secondary institutions deal with parking. I used to work at UBC and there was always somewhere to park — it was a wonderful thing. The prices were comparable, but I didn’t have the agonizing stress of struggling to find an open lot.

Capilano University has the same space-crunch that all SFU campuses are experiencing. In response, they’ve decided to reward students who carpool. There are designated carpool spots — and, oh yeah, you park for free. You read that right. If you register your carpool group of three or more people, you get a permit that gives you free parking in those designated spots.

Can you imagine a world where you could park at SFU for free? I recognize that there are financial concerns tied to reducing parking fees, but even half-price carpool permits would be fantastic. Section off parts of the outside lots to be carpool spaces only, make students register a carpool group in order to get a pass, and then patrol those lots a little more. SFU needs to do better by their commuting students, staff, and faculty.

I’ve been here two years. I like to drive to school. Half-price parking would make the effort of finding people to carpool with worth it. It would be better for our pockets, better for our environment, and better for our futures.

Always keep your eyes on your children — no matter what

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[dropcap]P[/dropcap]arenting is, without a doubt, incredibly tough. When taking children to any public space, extreme vigilance needs to be exercised — vigilance that seemed to be lacking in the case of the three-year-old boy who fell into a gorilla enclosure in the Cincinnati Zoo on May 28.

The boy was with his mother enjoying the sights and sounds of their day trip, until it all went awry. The toddler escaped from his mother and, as CNN reported, “went under a rail, through wires, and over a moat wall to get into [an] enclosure.” The boy fell about 15 feet into the shallow moat before the public and Harambe, a large Western lowland silverback gorilla, noticed him.

To save the boy, the zoo’s directors decided to kill the gorilla instead of tranquilizing it, as it could have agitated Harambe even more, and the animal would have taken longer to tranquilize due to its size.

An outcry from animal rights activists has since resulted in a Facebook group and an online petition with almost 500,000 signatures as of publication. Activists are calling on the boy’s parents to be held accountable for the gorilla’s death. I am not an animal rights activist by any means, but I do feel that the parents were and should be held responsible for the death of an endangered animal, and that this should be a lesson in proper parenting for any student hoping to have children.

Harambe was shot and killed due to human error that could have been easily prevented with more vigilance. If this were to continue, we can only imagine the horrific results that could arise. Next time, we might be buzzing about the unsupervised child who ran into oncoming traffic and was hit by a car.

We have a moral obligation, as adults and potential future parents, to ensure the complete safety of our children at all times. This comes about from teaching children at a young age about the dangers that can occur if they wander away from their caregivers.

In my pre-teen years, when my parents went out for a relaxing night on the town, they trusted me with the care and safety of my younger siblings. Another family I regularly babysat for had three children (one of whom was an infant at the time) and a fairly large German shepherd. The kids and I went out for walks to the park, and at all times my eyes were peeled and alert as we crossed streets and walked along sidewalks.

Through my experience, I already fully understand how quick toddlers can be. If I were to turn away at any point, I would be responsible for any harm that arose. I’d have to own that responsibility, and so should the irresponsible mother of the child who fell into the zoo enclosure.

The zoo ultimately had to make a swift decision to save the boy, but the zoo should not be held responsible for the death of Harambe.

Children are flighty and spontaneous creatures, and I’m not calling on humans to be perfect because I know we’re not. But when we begin our parenting years (and for those students who are already parents), we need to realize that, yes, being cautious and vigilant with children is easier said than done; but the fact that an innocent life is in our hands should act as a motivator for us to act responsibly.

New distracted driving fines are great, but not enough

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[dropcap]Y[/dropcap]ou should put away the phone when you drive, and not just for my sake or for the safety of others on the road. On June 1, the penalties for distracted driving in BC more than tripled. Yes, you read that right.

Those caught driving while distracted will now receive a minimum ticket of $543 for the first offence, plus four penalty points on their BC driver’s licence. If you do it again within 12 months, you’ll be hit with an $888-ticket. A third offence will earn you a whopping $1,628-ticket, and you could lose your licence for a minimum of three months.

That’s a significant increase. But what’s the real cost of distracted driving? In 2014, distracted driving caused 66 deaths, according to Mike Morris, BC’s Minister of Public Safety and Solicitor General. These deaths were “100 percent preventable,” he said in a public announcement.

The harsh penalty for using a phone is just a reminder that phones are our most common distraction. The efforts made by the government to curb in-car phone use is commendable; but to really eliminate distractions on the road, our own behaviour has to drastically change, namely by removing the other driving distractions we’ve normalized and by changing the way we view the weight of driving entirely.

“The day will come when distracted driving is as socially unacceptable in BC as drinking and driving, or not using your seatbelt,” Les Sylven, chief constable of Central Saanich Police Services and president of BC’s Association of Chiefs of Police, said in a recent speech.

We have to understand that when we get behind the wheel, we’re operating a metal coffin that weighs 1,000-plus pounds, that can speed up to 100-plus kilometres per hour. Staying focused on the task at hand — driving — is so important.

While this new legislation applies to distractions via phone, there are obviously many more causes of distraction. When I’m running late, I take my breakfast and do my hair in the car; I know a lot of people out there who do their makeup while driving, too.

All these are examples of dangerous activities in the car, and while we might make excuses to justify them, we’re really doing more harm than good. Changing norms around common driving sense through respect for other motorists and pedestrians is paramount to reducing collisions, injuries, and deaths. Hopefully this legislation kicks into gear some real, logical realizations among ignorant drivers. It’s safe to say we still have a long way to go before the weight of our actions in the vehicle really hit home with drivers.

Not driving while distracted is a simple act of omission. Make a start with this realization and we’ll all be better for it.

Six ways to get the perfect beach body

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Beach season is rapidly approaching, but don’t worry — The Peak has got you covered with the quickest and coolest tricks to get that perfect beach body you’ve been conditioned over years and years to believe is ideal. These tricks will lead you straight to that sweet summer bod!

1) Eat a vegetable or two

Eat some fucking yams. That’s how simple it is. How many? However many yams you want, babe.

2) Exercise

I did three crunches this morning and am I ever feeling the burn. It’s burning my stomach, my legs, my arms, and my home. Actually — that might just be fire. Hm.

3) Sell your soul to the devil

The devil is totally ripped; he could probably train you for the hot summer. The hot, hot, hot summer you’ll be spending in hell for the rest of eternity.

4) Get one of those vibrating belts

Yeah okay, these things admittedly don’t work at all — but as a young girl trying to discover herself and her body, anything vibrating is totally welcome.

5) Get a dog

Dogs are energetic companions and they’d gladly be your beach pal in the hot months. Additionally, dogs love you for your beautiful soul (like my man J. McCartney), and they don’t even understand all these pressures for the perfect body. Dogs believe all bodies are perfect, and they’re probably right, because all dogs are definitely perfect.

6) Go to the beach

Things will probably work out if you just take your body to the beach. However, refrain from getting naked on the child’s beach again — that was a mistake that “you can’t repeat,” according to the kind officer you met last time.

Peak Comics: Creator’s Pet

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I rented my arm as a makeshift plunger to pay my tuition

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With rising tuition costs becoming more and more of a reality, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that money is always on students’ minds. For most students this means finding a part-time job, especially when summer rolls around. That leaves many to seek positions stocking shelves at a local grocery store or making double mocha frappaccchinos with low-fat milk and extra whip.

However, that was not what Vancouver resident and SFU student, Tara Phillips, found on her job hunt.

“All the regular jobs are taken these days. Tim Hortons and McDonald’s aren’t even hiring!”

Phillips has worked such summer jobs as a “directions assistant,” which entailed glorious work like standing in a hallway telling people if they need to go left or right.

“A sign could have done my job, but hey, I was getting paid,” reminisced Phillips. “Hell, last summer I worked as a ‘toilet clearance attendant,’ which involved me using my arm to clear clogged toilets for a plumber who couldn’t afford a plunger.

“It wasn’t great, but at least I have work experience now. Maybe I could work in a grocery store bathroom next summer. Besides, it was better than the alternatives.”

Even more unsettling than Phillips’ employment history are the jobs she chose not to pursue. On Craigslist, she found listings such as “assistant coffee boy apprentice,” and “live store mannequin.” These positions might seem tame compared with “human table” or “ornamental aide,” “both of which listed one of the job’s responsibilities as ‘sweating copiously without producing a strong odour.’”

Many students are forced to make tough employment decisions due to their financial situations, and consequently there are more and more “picture straightening assistants” and “book closing aides” hired every day.

“Students will work any job these days, as long as it pays in cash and not overripe produce,” concluded Phillips, sadly shaking her head.

Phillips and others like her should not feel defeated, though, as studies show students with undergraduate degrees have a 75 percent chance of getting hired as a barista at Starbucks.

 

Laugh Track: An interview with The Lady Show’s Fatima Dhowre and Katie-Ellen Humphries

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At no point during my interview with Katie-Ellen Humphries and Fatima Dhowre did anyone use the term ‘supergroup,’ and yet it’s a word I keep returning to when I think of The Lady Show. On their own, Dhowre, Humphries, Morgan Brayton, Robyn Daye-Edwards, Erica Sigurdson, and Diana Bang are all well-known and well-respected comedians with countless accolades to their names; but just like the members of a late-‘90s pop boy band, they’re stronger together than they are apart.

For the yet-to-be initiated, The Lady Show is a monthly comedy show in Vancouver, born out of a shared admiration for, and joy of hanging out with, each other. The variety show structure of a typical Lady Show lets each comedian play to her own strengths, while also giving an opportunity to branch out. The Peak sat down with Dhowre and Humphries to learn more about what a typical Lady Show looks like and what inspired the change in home base, from local comedy haven Little Mountain Gallery to the East Van stronghold of the Biltmore Cabaret.

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The Peak: Where did the inspiration for The Lady Show come from?

Katie-Ellen Humphries: We all work together on a show on OUTtv called Morgan Brayton & Other People, so that was where we started collaborating together. We realized we really liked that group of folks, and then also had this motivation amongst ourselves to create some different things outside of what we were typically doing, so whether we were doing stand-up and wanted to start writing more sketch, or do more character things. So it was born out of the TV show, and we just wanted to spend more time together. [Turns to Dhowre] I don’t know if you know this, I love you guys and I love hanging out with you, but I don’t make a lot of time for social activities.

Fatima Dhowre: I do one regular thing once a month, and everything else is work and comedy.

KEH: It’s an enormous blessing of this show, that I get to hang out with these women that I love so much.

P: What was the show originally envisioned as? Has The Lady Show changed in any significant ways from that vision?

FD: I don’t think so. It’s stayed pretty true to the vision so far. We just wanted to challenge ourselves, comedically, and introduce a really good show to the scene, and that’s exactly what’s happened.

KEH: For the audience, I was really hoping to draw some people who might not necessarily go to a traditional comedy show, because of the turn-off from comedy for any reason. We have hardcore comedy fans, we have people who come for the first time, we have people who come back because they had such a great time. It’s just this really diverse and fun audience.

P: Would you be able to walk me through a standard evening at The Lady Show?

FD: Only a couple of things have changed, but it basically follows the same formula. We always have a big sketch and an opening dance number to kick off the show, really hype everybody up, and then we traditionally have a featured guest, and that always changes. Sometimes it’s a stand-up guest, sometimes it’s a character performer, sometimes it’s a sketch performer. The two consistencies that we continue to do is a big opening number and we close together.

P: From reading past interviews, there’s definitely a feminist awareness to the show, but The Lady Show also seems pretty casual about it.

KEH: I think, for myself anyways, and I’m finding this in my own stand-up right now, is I don’t think it would be inaccurate to say there’s a feminist bent but it’s certainly not the end goal. The end goal, 100 percent of the time, is comedy and entertainment. We are there to have a good time and we’re there to entertain people. We are feminists…

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FD: Maybe sometimes those points will come through in the comedy, but comedy is always the goal.

KEH: Morgan has been doing sketch comedy for 20 years, and at one time in her life, she created an all-female sketch group specifically to make a space where women could do comedy, because they didn’t have that room before, and that’s not the case for Fatima and I. There’s tons of room, it’s very inclusive. So we didn’t make The Lady Show specifically to be like, “This is a space for women to do comedy.” We like these women, and we like creating a community.

P: If the members of The Lady Show were to pull off a heist together, what would everyone’s role be?

FD: Morgan would be our mastermind planner, in charge of planning. She’s the person doing the voiceover during the heist montage.

KEH: Morgan would be the George Clooney, for sure. Erica would be on schematics, and she’d be the one to do any of the hacks and tech stuff. Robyn would be our femme fatale. Dianna would be our master of disguise. I would probably be the getaway driver, I’m a pretty reliable DD.

FD: I could be the secret weapon. I’m very good at distracting people.

KEH: We might set Fatima up as a lounge act, and then she’d be singing and drawing everyone’s attention, and that’s when we pull off the heist.

P: This month marks The Lady Show’s debut at the Biltmore Cabaret. What inspired the transition from Little Mountain Gallery?

FD: I feel like we just outgrew that venue. We were running two shows a night there, because we couldn’t fit everyone into one show.

KEH: We started with one show, and because we were selling out, we added a late show. It just felt like time. We’re sad to leave Little Mountain Gallery, but we’re so excited about moving to the Biltmore. It just seemed like a natural transition.

P: What will be different about the June 10 show than from previous instalments?

FD: This is the first show where all of us are there, the entire full cast. At least one of us has been away for every show, and this is the first one ever since Diana joined us that everyone is there.

KEH: We have every single member of the cast, so we’ve opted not to invite an outside guest this time. We’re kicking it off with an inaugural, full-cast Lady Show. Aside from that, you’ll get everything that you were getting out of The Lady Show previously. We’re still going to have a raucous dance number, we’re still going to have songs and character pieces.

FD: Everything you get at a Lady Show.

KEH: But we’ll have air-conditioning this time, too.

Catch Dhowre, Humphries, and the rest of The Lady Show gals on June 10 at their new home, the Biltmore Cabaret. You can also check out Dhowre’s new show, The List, happening June 17 at Havana; if you’re braving the unwashed masses at Pemberton Music Festival next month, you can catch Humphries opening for Maria Bamford on July 14.

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Homebrewing 101

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A buzz brewing at SFU

One of SFU’s best-kept secrets is its beer culture. Ever since SFU’s S.F. Brew club defeated UBC’s brUBC at the first Annual University Home Brew Awards back in 2013, we’ve been a force to be reckoned with in the beermaking game.

Featuring not only brewing courses, but a Craft Beer and Brewing Essentials certificate available for the keen beer enthusiast, it’s no wonder S.F. Brew earned Best in Show for their beer, Hoparella. Though the club is no longer active, they may one day return.

Maybe you’re not on campus a lot this semester, and can’t justify the commute to the mountain for a beer class — don’t fret! There are other learning opportunities around town. We are, after all, living in a bustling craft beer metropolis. The Vancouver Homebrewers Association and the Campaign for Real Ale Society of British Columbia both offer membership programs, with cheap rates and plenty of experience and knowledge to share.

Recently, some of SFU’s most entrepreneurial students have been capitalizing off the buzz around homebrewing. If you love beer, but not all the mess and waiting around of homebrewing, never fear. Sit tight with your store-bought beer until 2017, when the automatic homebrew machine Brewstr will hit the shelves. Think Keurig, but for beer. Designed by SFU students Ryan Lymburner, Kavi Sekhon, Derek Muxworthy, Karan Thakur, Jordan Sciberras, and Jeremy Thompson, SFU continues to make waves in the craft beer scene.

How is beer brewed?

The first step is “mashing” where hot water is mixed with  the “grist” (milled grain). During the mashing, the starches are converted to sugars and then the “wort” (the sweet resulting liquid) is drained off the grains. The wort is boiled for a while, concentrating the sugars and other non-water components. Hops are added during the boil for bitterness, flavour, and aroma. Longer boiled hops equal a more bitter and less flavourful and aromatic brew.

Then the hopped wort is cooled and yeast is added to begin the fermentation process. The yeast consume the sugar, converting it into carbon dioxide and ethanol in the process. Once the fermentation is complete the yeast settles, allowing the beer to clear. Then it’s bottled, and bam — delicious. And you can do this whole science-y process yourself at home.

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Local trends

Last year, sours were big. I couldn’t go anywhere in the city where my server wasn’t trying to tempt me with one. This year, it doesn’t seem like there’s one genre that takes the cake. At least, not yet.

Instead, brewers seem to be going for whatever brews float their boat. Steamworks has their farmhouse wheat ale out, combining citrus and spice in a hoppier-than-it-should-be end product. It’s a refreshing way to kick back at the end of a long day.

Meanwhile, Moody Ales has gone for exciting over refreshing with their 2016 bourbon barrel-aged Russian Imperial stout. An easy sip, this almost pitch-black beer is big on bubbles and flavour. The aroma is rich in oak, bourbon, and molasses with a hint of toffee. Thick, creamy, and balanced, this experiment turned out well.

In East Van, Bomber Brewing and Doans have teamed up to create the living skies rye pilsner, with big rye spice flavour. It’s a good call on a warm summer day — or any day at all, really. Nicely balanced with big body and notes of lemon and grapefruit, it’s an easy-drinking beer with a hoppy finish.

Last year was the summer of the sour, but they’re not completely extinct this year. Parallel 49 Brewing has a Bodhisattva dry hopped sour ale, and it’s actually pretty sweet for a sour. The big tropical fruit flavours balance the sourness, and the big hops round out the experience. It’s a good introductory sour if you weren’t around last year, or if you know someone who just turned of age.

What you’ll need and where to find it

Almost every budding brewer in my life swears by Dan’s Homebrewing Supplies at 835 E. Hastings Street. They’ve got everything a young brewmaster needs, from equipment to ingredients to friendly advice and know-how. Another good store is Centennial Homebrewing Supplies at 2985 Rupert Street. They also host a good selection of everything from hops and malts to kits and sanitizers. There are others, of course, but these two are the ones I hear the most about.

You’re going to need a lot of equipment. But the good news is you probably have at least a few  of these items already. You can buy the rest at a store, or I have a couple of tricks if you don’t mind getting a little dirty and putting a little elbow grease into it.

Big stockpot. The bigger the pot, the more beer you can brew. Eight quarts is the absolute minimum, while 12 quarts is perfect for a gallon of beer (almost four litres). If you don’t have one, and you can’t really afford one, try thrift stores or any restaurant closing its doors. They may sell a good pot at a steal because they’re going out of business.

Long spoon. It’s got to be long enough to comfortably reach the bottom of your brew pot, and shouldn’t be wooden if you can manage it. Sterilization is key to brewing, and wood and other rough surfaces can become a veritable breeding ground for bacteria.

Scale. If you can steal one from your parents, go for it. An electric one is best, especially with the tare feature. You just need something basic that can measure grams and ounces, and be accurate for one-gram increments.

Thermometer. A digital thermometer or candy thermometer are your best options, as you need something fast yet accurate. Do not use a meat thermometer — you’re not cooking a roast.

Sanitizer. One jug will last eons. Everything needs to be clean and sterilized if you want delicious beer.

Strainer and colander. Each should be able to hold about five quarts, or be approximately 10 inches in diameter. The colander should be metal, the strainer non-melting plastic at the minimum. You can use the colander to keep your malt from burning on the bottom of your pot. Thrift stores have great deals on these items.

Hydrometer and hydrometer tube. The hydrometer measures a liquid’s density, allowing you to know how much sugar is present before and after fermentation, and thus, what your beer’s alcohol content is. You may also want a hydrometer tube or test jar. It makes it easier to measure gravity, rather than letting the hydrometer bobble freely in your pot. Try buying one off a rebellious teenager in a high school chemistry class — it looks a lot like a graduated cylinder.

Bucket. As big a bucket as you have beer. Make sure it has a lid. You can get big 20 litre ones from restaurants if you ask nicely.

Airlock. This spiral tube of magic (well, sanitized liquid if it’s a bubbler) must have a rubber stopper on the end, and fit into the hole in the middle of the lid of your fermentation bucket. If you adopted a bucket, you’ll need to cut this hole yourself.

Jug. Preferably glass, preferably tinted to keep the UV rays out of your brew. This acts as a secondary fermenter and you need to make sure there’s a hole in the jug’s stopper for the airlock.

Plastic tubing and clamp. This will act as your siphon. It’s all you need, but other options make your life easier if you can spend the money. A racking cane prevents sediment from being stirred up in the fermenter, a bottling wand (or bottle filler) regulates the beer flow so none of it gets wasted between bottles, or an auto-siphon if you’re feeling fancy.

Bottle capper. The butterfly type is the easiest and least expensive capper to use. Highly recommend.

Bottle caps. Sorry folks, but you’ve got to use new bottle caps with every brew. Luckily they’re cheap. Pro tip: you can buy them in different colours if you’re doing multiple brews at once.

Beer bottles. You can buy these, sure, but you can also just drink your store-bought beer and clean out the bottles you get — you’ll need a bottle cleaner if you go for this option. Avoid twist-tops: tinted glass is preferred and recommended.

Ingredients. Quantities and types will vary according to recipe — and don’t worry, we have a recipe to tempt you. Generally you’ll need water, yeast, hops, malt(s), and corn sugar. Put your yeast in the fridge, starch in an airtight container, and hops in the freezer immediately after acquiring them. Liquid yeast left out at room temperature can take a turn for the worse in a mere couple of days.

Optional: Brew bag. Made of a material similar to linen, this mesh bag acts as a lining for your brew pot to aid in lifting out your malt without taking too much liquid with it. That stuff’s precious.

An easy-drinking summer recipe to get you started

(Plus, it’s a little fancy to impress your friends!)

The American Homebrewers Association shared this gem of a recipe, the lampo bianco white lightning Belgian ale.

You will need:

  • 3.5 lb (1.6 kg) | US two-row or pils malt
  • 4.0 lb (1.8 kg) | Malted wheat
  • 0.5 lb (227 g) | Flaked oats
  • 0.2 oz (8 g) | Chinook 11 percent a.a. (60 min)
  • 0.35 oz (10 g) | Simcoe 12 percent a.a. (10 min)
  • 0.5 oz (14 g) | Columbus 12 percent a.a. (0 min)
  • 0.4 oz (12 g) | Indian coriander (2 min)
  • 0.07 oz (2 g) | Cardamon whole pod (2 min)
  • 3 g | Dried ginger (2 min)
  • Zest of half a lemon (2 min)
  • 46 oz (1.4 litre) | Muscat grape juice concentrate
  • Belgian wit ale yeast (WLP550 or Wyeast 3944 or 3942)

Directions:

Do a mash with all the ingredients except for the yeast and Muscat grape juice, for 60 minutes at 154°F (68°C). Then mash out. Boil for 60 minutes before adding Muscat grape juice concentrate to the fermenter at the end of the primary. Ferment at 75–78°F (24–26°C). This recipe will make about five gallons of beer.

Peak Comics: Serious Bananas

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Woohoo, Boohoo

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Woohoo: Jam

Whether as a delicious treat or a session full of funky fresh beats, jam is the ultimate champion. There are strawberry jams, cherry jams, apricot jams, sick jams, groovy jams, suave jams, jams for all occasions.

Jam is a dignified breakfast spread upon which kings and gods feast, because everyone understands how holy a good jam is, blessing the breakfast table with its beauty. Jam is so beautiful that if this were one of those weird Miss Universe beauty contests — which are uncomfortably objectifying, demeaning, and horrifically sexist — jam would easily win the swimsuit section.

The sweet treat also reminds you of your even sweeter gran. Do you remember the last time she made you a big jar of strawberry jam? Your grandmother still makes you jam because even though you’re an ungrateful git who doesn’t visit often enough, she still loves you enough to bestow such a gift upon you. Now, go eat some fucking jam and call your grandmother.

Boohoo: Peanut Butter

Peanut butter is a nut butter. Honestly, the term “nut butter” is too much for my immature self. While all of you continue slathering your breakfast goods in the butter of nuts, I’ll seek a more civilized meal with fewer genitalia references.

Peanut butter is also highly suspicious because it comes in too many forms. Crunchy, smooth, unsalted, stir, no stir, natural, creamy; if this were the 1500s, we would’ve burned peanut butter at the stake because of its suspicious, witch-like shape-shifting. Too bad this isn’t the 1500s.

Additionally, the peanut is a flimsy fucking nut. Think about the sheer quality of the hazelnut: beauty, grace, boldness, and brilliance. Now compare that to that shit stain, the peanut. The peanut peevishly sits in its clumsy shell, desperate to keep people believing its lie. That’s right. Peanuts aren’t even nuts. They’re legumes. How can you put your trust in such an unfaithful breakfast spread?