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Six ways to get the perfect beach body

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Beach season is rapidly approaching, but don’t worry — The Peak has got you covered with the quickest and coolest tricks to get that perfect beach body you’ve been conditioned over years and years to believe is ideal. These tricks will lead you straight to that sweet summer bod!

1) Eat a vegetable or two

Eat some fucking yams. That’s how simple it is. How many? However many yams you want, babe.

2) Exercise

I did three crunches this morning and am I ever feeling the burn. It’s burning my stomach, my legs, my arms, and my home. Actually — that might just be fire. Hm.

3) Sell your soul to the devil

The devil is totally ripped; he could probably train you for the hot summer. The hot, hot, hot summer you’ll be spending in hell for the rest of eternity.

4) Get one of those vibrating belts

Yeah okay, these things admittedly don’t work at all — but as a young girl trying to discover herself and her body, anything vibrating is totally welcome.

5) Get a dog

Dogs are energetic companions and they’d gladly be your beach pal in the hot months. Additionally, dogs love you for your beautiful soul (like my man J. McCartney), and they don’t even understand all these pressures for the perfect body. Dogs believe all bodies are perfect, and they’re probably right, because all dogs are definitely perfect.

6) Go to the beach

Things will probably work out if you just take your body to the beach. However, refrain from getting naked on the child’s beach again — that was a mistake that “you can’t repeat,” according to the kind officer you met last time.

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