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The broke-ass student’s holiday gift guide

EIC

November 27, 2016

Jessica’s present picks:

$30-Netflix gift card

For the poor student

Every student needs Netflix. Let your favourite starving student continue to procrastinate without the cost.

$30, Best Buy

A collage photo frame

For your parents

If there’s one thing your parents love, it’s you. Buy a collage photo frame and fill it with pictures of you and your family. It’s the adult version of making them something!

$39.99, Bed Bath & Beyond

Harry Potter toque

For the Potter-head

Stay warm and show off your love for all things Harry Potter. Hot Topic has toques for Hogwarts, the Deathly Hallows, and all four of the houses.

$19.90, Hot Topic

Charmed aroma candle

For the accessory addict

These candles are one of the best gifts you can give. As the candle burns, it reveals a hidden ring in the wax worth up to $5,000! They also have bath bombs, body scrub, soap, and body butter.

$26.99, Charmed Aroma

A shower speaker

For your roommate

Who doesn’t love listening to music in the shower? And if you happen to benefit by getting to use it too, all the better.

$29.96, Walmart

The ultimate hot chocolate kit (and the perfect tea spoon)

For the tea lover

Comfort is the best gift of all. This set comes with a special-edition mug, tea strainer, chocolate tea, and mini marshmallows! Pair it with the perfect tea spoon for the ultimate tea experience.

$35 (set) + $6 (spoon), DavidsTea

The Ultimate Bar Book: The Comprehensive Guide to Over 1,000 Cocktails

For the party bartender

There’s always one friend who wants to play bartender at the party. Treat them to a book on how to make every drink they’ve ever heard of. It will also come in handy for New Year’s Eve.

$27.95, Indigo

Cult Following

For the board game lover

This awesome kickstarter game allows players to create their own cults. Using the prompts, players try to convince others to join them and have to answer questions about their cults. Most convincing player wins.

Free demo print-out or $34.00 pre-order, CultFollowingGame.com

One of the world’s softest blankets

For the person who is always cold and sleepy

Everyone loves a good, soft blanket. Show someone you really care by getting them the closest thing to a permanent hug.

$39.99, Costco

Sherlock Holmes mystery puzzle

For the puzzle lover

Not only do you put a puzzle together, but you can solve a mystery while you’re at it. Read the storybook, then complete the puzzle to search for clues.

$19.99, Amazon

Julia’s present picks:

Starbucks Christmas blend ground coffee

For the late-night studier

Give the gift of caffeine! A cup of this lively aged Sumatra brew is the perfect way to perk up after December exams.

$19.95, Starbucks

Indigo reading socks

For the bookworm

Prevent frozen feet by giving a pair of cozy faux-sherpa socks — a must-have for reading in front of the Shaw fire log.

$34.50, Chapters

Fossil luggage tag

For the world-traveller

Available in a variety of colours, this luggage tag is the perfect personalized travel accessory. For a special touch, emboss the giftee’s initials for free!

$39.30, Fossil

EZ drinker beer can belt

For the party person

This hands-free beer holster can maximize holiday party fun! Plus, last-minute shoppers can take advantage of Amazon’s one-day shipping.

$10.38, Amazon

A bottle of bubbly

For the New Year’s Eve fiend

Kick off the New Year by popping a bottle of champagne — the perfect gift to celebrate with! Try Bottega’s sparkling bottle in white gold, gold, or rose.

$27.49, BC Liquor Stores

Cineplex gift card

For the Christmas couple

The next best thing to Netflix! A $25-gift card is enough for one fun date night at the movies.

$10–50, Cineplex

S’well bottle

For the fit friend

Sip drinks in style with S’well, a trendy bottle that’ll keep drinks the perfect temperature on the bus, at the gym, or on campus.

$38+, Chapters

Big Red Beard oils and balms

For the bearded bro

Shipping from Victoria, the handcrafted oils and balms in the Big Red pilot kit are a beard maintenance must-have.

$34.99, Big Red Beard Combs on Etsy

A Lush Christmas gift

For the Lushee

Lush has an abundance of beautifully wrapped packages for a variety of affordable prices — most include hand lotion, soap, and bath bombs.

$12.95–$49.95, Lush

A mall gift certificate

For the picky pal

Finding the perfect present can be a challenge, so why not gift the whole mall? This one card can be used at a variety of stores.

$50, your local mall (Sorry, but you’re going to have to go to the physical mall for this one)

The 10 best Christmas movies

EIC

November 27, 2016

frosty-the-snowman — Regardless of how you feel about Christmas, *Frosty the Snowman* is an all time great.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

I love this movie. The songs are on point, and it’s also a multi-holiday movie, which is a big plus — especially since most places barely get the Halloween decorations put in the clearance section before the Christmas ones start coming out. It’s also a fun way to explore the power dynamics of local politics and cultural traditions, if you don’t want to sing along with the residents of Halloween Town.

Elf (2003)

The first time I watched Elf, I wasn’t sold on it. But then I watched it a few more times and fell in love. Buddy’s love of Christmas is infectious and the jokes that are added in for the benefit of any adults watching are refreshing since they aren’t necessarily of a sexual nature. Also it means that I can tell people that they sit on a throne of lies, which is a nice bonus.

Home Alone (1990)

Was Kevin kind of the worst? Yes. Should he have gotten left behind? Probably not. But we did get one the best anti-burglar systems out of this movie. While the comedy is a little cheesy and slapstick, does anybody really watch Christmas movies expecting Palme d’Or and Oscar winners?

Arthur Christmas (2011)

If the voice casting doesn’t draw you into this movie (James McAvoy, Jim Broadbent, Bill Nighy, and Hugh Laurie), the story should. It is an update on all the classic Santa-themed movies, and how Christmas shouldn’t just be a big commercial racket. Arthur has enough heart to make up for the fact that his dad is a non-executive figurehead, his grandpa lives in the past, and that his brother runs Christmas like a military operation.

Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)

The Jim Carrey version is hot garbage compared to the original. This is the only version that matters. It’s nice because it’s short and sticks to the book. Boris Karloff also narrates it, so that is a huge plus. I love Max, the music, and that in the end the Grinch gives everyone their presents back after understanding the true meaning of Christmas. (Hey, I might like the feeling of the season, but I was a kid once and thought that presents were the most important part.)

White Christmas (1954)

It hasn’t been Christmas until I’ve watched this movie with my mom. The musical scenes are wonderful, the costumes at the end are iconic, and given that it was released in 1954 it’s not too problematic. Also it features the only version of “White Christmas” that really matters, so there’s that too.

Scrooge (1951)

Of the zillion retellings of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, this one is probably the best. The ghost of Christmas past is kindly, the ghost of Christmas present is a realist, and the ghost of Christmas future is kind of fucking terrifying — also he looks like the grim reaper. Alastair Sim’s portrayal of Ebenezer Scrooge is masterful and he captures the inner conflict Scrooge experiences perfectly.

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Even after watching this film 18,272,734 times to find out if the doll had a name, and to analyze the movie for a homework assignment in Grade 6, I still like it. It’s a touching movie that speaks to universal acceptance and has a brilliant cast of supporting characters. It’s a well-done take on giving a story to a song that can be sung in about 30 seconds.

Frosty the Snowman (1969)

I watched this so much and so frequently — like, year-round kind of frequency — as a child that my parents had to replace the VHS because I wore it out. It also helped to foster a lifelong love of snowmen and made me somewhat suspicious of poinsettias. I still also get excited by the first snowfall of the year and the draw of “magic Christmas snow.”

Die Hard (1988)

Sometimes you want warm fuzzies, and sometimes you want to yell “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” while shooting at bad guys over Christmas carols. While this isn’t the most Christmas-y movie on the list, it’s set at Christmas, and who doesn’t love watching Bruce Willis kick ass while you’re slowly descending into a turkey coma?

The five best and worst Christmas albums

EIC

November 27, 2016

Best

Christmas by Michael Bublé – The man is a Canadian treasure and his voice is angelic. His Christmas album is the only thing you need all December.

Christmas of Hope by various artists – This is the Christmas album I grew up listening to. My mom and I are particularly fond of of Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

Now That’s What I Call Christmas! by various artists – All of your favourites in one place! Between “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” performed by Frank Sinatra and “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” performed by Band Aid (ignoring the fact that it’s slightly problematic but super catchy) and countless other classics, you’ll have almost two hours of music for your holiday get-together.

Home for Christmas by NSYNC – Bless ‘90s boy bands. NSYNC may not have been my personal favourite (Backstreet Boys 4 lyfe!), but I respect the fact that they put out an entire Christmas album. So if you love Justin Timberlake, or whoever else was in NSYNC, this is the Christmas album for you.

A 604 Records Christmas by various artists – This album features covers and original songs for the winter season. It has some of the most popular Canadian artists such as Carly Rae Jepsen and Marianas Trench frontman Josh Ramsay.

Worst

A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi – I hate Charlie Brown and I really hate this album. This movie is terrible and “Christmas Time is Here” makes me want to die. I hope someone burns that pathetic little tree to the ground.

Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album by Glee – I know there are still some diehard Gleeks out there, but the show took a downward spiral early on. The fact that they got to a point where they could put out a Christmas album is upsetting. And they put it out in season two? Yikes.

The Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler – Technically not Christmas, and technically not an album, but still the worst. I don’t care who you are, if you think any part of this song is good or funny you need to seriously re-evaluate who you are as a person.

Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album by various artists – Anyone who’s seen the Star Wars Holiday Special knows this album is a tire fire. The album is mostly performed by the actor who played C-3PO. It also has the first professional recording of Jon Bon Jovi — so, there’s that, I guess.

Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey – I know Christmas albums are her thing, but has anyone stopped to ask if we really need that many from her? It’s time to stop, Mariah. Just retire.

Hacksaw Ridge is a war movie with heart

EIC

November 26, 2016

Over the years, Hollywood has produced countless forgettable war movies. Movies that in the moment intrigue the audience with intense violence, but beyond the action lack any real depth. To my delight, Hacksaw Ridge is not one of those movies. Following the epic story of Desmond T. Doss, we observe how he stays true to his values even as it seems — quite literally — the entire world is against him.

Casting Andrew Garfield as Doss was potentially problematic, as an actor who’s easily recognizable (thanks to The Social Network and The Amazing Spider-Man) usually takes away from the performance; it’s more difficult to get lost in the illusion that the individual on the screen is Desmond T. Doss. Fortunately, Garfield’s performance went above and beyond to erase any concerns I had. His portrayal appeared authentic and provoked genuine feelings of connection to the character.

An unsung hero in terms of acting was the performance of Hugo Weaving, as Desmond’s father Tom Doss. He gave a very powerful performance, without stealing the spotlight away from Garfield, resulting in the perfect supporting role for the storyline.

All the great performances culminated in an ability to transition from hysterical scenes to heartbreaking ones only a few minutes later. The love story was truly cute and will make you envious of their relationship.

Where this film shines most is undoubtedly the battle scenes. Reminiscent of the gold standard that is the Omaha Scene from Saving Private Ryan, this movie must be applauded for just how intense they managed to make these battles. Many in the audience couldn’t help but flinch during several particularly gruesome moments. You have a sense that no character is safe, and your heart breaks as they start to fall one by one. Beyond that there are also some well-done surprises amid all the action scenes that speak to the fact that those caught in this hell are human beings like you and I.

A good measure of the effectiveness of this movie was that as the screen faded to black and the lights in the theatre came on, there was a moment or two of collective awe; a few seconds to take in everything we had just witnessed, followed by applause.

All in all, Hacksaw Ridge excels in many different areas. The performances, the plot, and the script all come together to brilliantly tell the genuinely touching story of Desmond T. Doss. For those history buffs out there, you will love the authenticity of the battle scenes. For those who aren’t typical fans of war movies, you will love the emotional side of the story, and the heart that lies behind the love story, Desmond’s family, and the brotherhood of the soldiers.

Watch Dogs 2 is a much improved sequel

EIC

November 26, 2016

watch-dogs-ubisoft — After taking player feedback on the first *Watchdogs* instalment seriously, Ubisoft has released a much improved sequel.

By: Vincent Justin Mitra, Peak Associate

Watch Dogs 2 is the sequel to the 2014 open world hacking game by Ubisoft Montreal. It is larger and more developed than the original, and puts players in the role of Marcus Holloway, a resident of the sunny San Francisco Bay Area.

The game takes place in a world shortly after the installation of the “ctOS,” an advanced surveillance and data collection system, which controls cities across North America and connects citizens to the cities in which they live. Marcus — after being profiled as a potential criminal due to his race (African American) and skill with technology — joins the hacker collective known as DedSec to take down the company in charge of the system.

Players are given more ways to explore and interact with the world with the addition of a far more detailed hacking system, allowing them to hack into cars in traffic to clear a path, for example. Missions in this game are much more open than the previous game, with many able to be completed entirely remotely through the use of the newly added land- and air-based drones.

While the opinion of the original Watch Dogs was mostly positive, there was still much to be desired. Having been released less than a year after the latest Grand Theft Auto game, the original Watch Dogs did not quite overthrow the king of open world games; there was a glut of very diverse yet inconsequential side activities, the grimy streets of Chicago were not as engaging as the fictionalized Los Angeles of Grand Theft Auto, and the driving was somehow both too weightless and too clunky.

In the marketing prior to the recent release, the developers repeatedly underscored that the sequel would address the issues in the original game.

The most notable change is in the tone of the story. Whereas the first game was a gritty story of death and revenge with a perpetually grumpy and largely non-descript protagonist, Watch Dogs 2 is much more cheerful and fun. The move to the brighter Californian coast makes the game much more inviting than the dark underbelly of Chicago. Although protagonist Marcus Holloway also seeks revenge, he still manages to keep a sense of humour, which provides nice variety when compared to the constant intensity of the previous protagonist.

While the first game curiously chose to deal with street gangs and family drama, the new location of Watch Dogs 2 allows it to more easily set its sights on corporations, featuring a number of fictional counterparts to tech giants like Facebook, Google, and even Ubisoft itself.

The driving has also been vastly improved. The game shows off its new driving system by including a high-speed chase relatively early in the game, putting the player behind the wheel of a muscle car modified with boosters. It’s not quite at the level set by Grand Theft Auto but it’s very close.

A hope held by many fans was that if the leap in quality between the first and second Watch Dogs games was as big as the leap between the first two Assassin’s Creed games, also by Ubisoft, then Watch Dogs 2 would be a great game. With Watch Dogs 2, Ubisoft Montreal has succeeded in making a very fun game, and didn’t crush the hopes of fans.

Getting to know the communi-tea

EIC

November 26, 2016

SONY DSC — Blooming tea will be one of the many varieties of tea featured at the 3rd annual Vancouver Tea Festival taking place on November 5.

Let me preface this by saying that, all things considered, the third annual Vancouver Tea Festival was an educational, and fun time. With a packed schedule of tea tastings, a companion schedule for workshops that educated the average festival-goer on the tea-making process, and the differences in plants and regions, I can confidently say that I know more about tea than I ever thought I would.

For instance, a ‘flush’ is a season of tea-leaf picking. Four flushes is the maximum possible for a tea plant per year, but it’s a rare occurrence. Green tea and black tea can come from the same tea plant, but the different flavours come as a result of oxidation and the heating method used. Green teas aren’t oxidized at all, black teas are oxidized the longest, and darjeelings and oolongs are oxidized for a middling amount of time.

The vendors were all really friendly and generous in pouring out mini-teacup after mini-teacup, some of them even offering up to eight different brews. Most people had sales on: Silk Road gave out cards for free cups of tea for the month of November, and JusTea showcased a brand new purple tea from Kenya. Purple tea came about as a genetic mutation from the regular green tea plant, but has a different flavour than the original.

There was only one thing about the festival that deserves to be on the list of things to improve for next year: communication. It’s always difficult to keep track of which people know which facts, and which volunteers have been trained, so it’s an understandable shortcoming. Things like this can be minimized, and though it wasn’t as smooth as I’m sure the organizers would have wanted, I’ve seen worse.

So, despite overbooking the tea leaf reader, and an entry line-up that went from the entrance of the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Classical Chinese Garden almost all the way to Carrall Street, the tea festival was a success. Plenty of happy tea tasters, drinkers, and purveyors roamed around, engaging in conversation, and bonding over steaming cups of leaf water.

Tranny is so much more than a book about a band

EIC

November 26, 2016

I love a good band memoir, and 2016 has been a great year for me in this regard. Legendary punks NOFX released their book, The Hepatitis Bathtub, earlier this year, and I read it three times (and saw the band twice) during my nine-day trip to Southern California in April. After devouring their contribution to the literary world, I eagerly awaited Against Me! frontwoman Laura Jane Grace’s new memoir. .

For the uninitiated, Against Me! has been around since the late-’90s, when they began as an anarchist punk band in Florida. The band’s line-up has had many changes since they formed, but the most significant change is with respect to its lead singer, Laura Jane Grace. Grace was born Tom Gabel and lived as him until 2012 when she came out publicly as transgender and announced she would be transitioning to living as a woman. Grace’s struggle with gender dysphoria (“a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there’s a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity,” as defined by the NHS in the UK) is the subject of her memoir.

After uncomfortably Googling “tranny laura jane grace” and placing an order on Amazon, I received Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock’s Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout in the mail the day it came out. Amazon same-day delivery is a beautiful thing.

While neglecting schoolwork, I finished Tranny in less than 24 hours. That’s not to say I’m an exceptionally fast reader or that the book is short; it’s just that good. It’s less of a tell-all about the band’s history — although the book does follow their journey from Tom Gabel’s initial solo effort to one of their most recent releases, Transgender Dysphoria Blues — and more of an extremely personal account of Grace’s internal struggles with gender dysphoria as she grew up in conservative Florida.

The most revealing parts of the book were excerpts from Grace’s journals that she’s kept all her life. There’s some humour at times, like a mention of Grace and a friend’s stoned plan to turn part of their tour bus into “Cookie World,” but more often it’s heartbreaking to read about the constant conflict she felt between her masculine, punk-rock exterior and, as Grace put it, “her” — the woman she truly felt she was.

Tranny has reignited my love for this band. As I now listen to their old songs for what feels like the hundredth — maybe thousandth — time, I have some insight that I didn’t have before. Many of the lyrics I hadn’t given a thought previously now have meaning to them. Knowing so many of a musician’s personal stories fosters a new type of relationship with the music I already loved so much.

I would recommend Tranny to any Against Me! or punk fan, to anyone who’s questioned or struggled with their gender identity, or to anyone looking for a new perspective on an often misunderstood music genre.

True to my modus operandi, I’ll probably re-read it twice before the end of the month.

URP’s production of Rent hit all the right notes

EIC

November 26, 2016

ali-bw — URP's production of *Rent* was filled with wonderful casting, including Ali Watson as Mimi.

The 20th anniversary production of Rent by URP wrapped its last show on November 20, and I’m not alone in wishing it would stick around for longer. I already wish I could see it again.

Upon entering the theatre, the stage was set elaborately, shifting from brick walls, to dingy apartment, to poster-covered walls on New York’s streets. Darren Adams, the actor playing Roger, was swinging his legs as he sat on a table on stage. Even from a distance, half an hour before the show began, I could feel his brooding permeate the seats. He’s incredibly skinny, and there were a couple of murmurs in the audience wondering if this slender guy could produce the power and raw emotion the role requires.

Have faith in the people who were cast, because the entire cast was phenomenal. I thought they’d be good, but they all exceeded my expectations. Chris Olson played Collins, a role that requires a baritone or tenor range, and knocked it out of the park. Angel, played by Kurtis D’Aoust, was also brilliantly cast.

Emily Canavan, the production’s Joanne, delivered a wonderful vocal performance. Canavan’s dance moves during “Tango: Maureen” were nicely matched by the story’s narrator, Mark (Nick Heffelfinger), who also delivered a stellar performance. Mimi (Ali Watson) beautifully captured the nuances to the role, the optimism with the hopelessness. Synthia Yusuf brought a youthful flair to Maureen, making “Over the Moon” her own and delivering one of the most enjoyable renditions of it I’ve ever witnessed.

The ensemble was just as talented as the main cast, and they had opportunities to show it off with solos throughout the show. Everyone was so talented, and not just vocally. The choreography was well-executed and the accompanying musicians were on the ball as well. The musicians even had a quadrant of the stage to themselves, amidst the organized chaos that rolled across the stage.

As assured by both Adams and director, Richard Berg, in their interviews with The Peak, “Another Day” was a standout of the evening. “Tango: Maureen,” “Seasons of Love,” “La Vie Boheme,” and “Take Me or Leave Me” were also wildly appreciated by the audience.

Of course, opening night had a couple of technical difficulties, but nothing that truly detracted from the great experience. A couple mics dropped out here and there, and a few cast members didn’t have great lighting. The audience was so caught up in the magic they didn’t seem to notice, though.

If you missed it, don’t make the same mistake twice. As they say in New York, “Forget regret. Or life is yours to miss.”

NEW MUSIC FRIDAY

Peak Web

November 26, 2016

By: Sarah Finley, Courtney Miller, Jessica Pickering, and Jessica Whitesel

Follow The Peak on Spotify to stay up to date on New Music Friday.

“Rockin’” – The Weeknd

Jessica Whitesel: After all the hype, we finally have Starboy. And honestly, I’m still not fully convinced by this new version of the Weeknd but this song does capture some of the old Weeknd that we know and love. Out of all the song I’ve heard from it I probably like this one the best, but that could be because there’s no Daft Punk.

Sarah Finley: I love the old melancholy Weeknd and the new, upbeat, reinvented Weeknd. This track is a bit all over the place instrumental-wise, but honestly? It works.

Courtney Miller: For the first half, I was on board. Vocals blended well with the track, the track was original enough that I didn’t automatically confuse it with 16 other songs — I could live with that. During the second half, the song fell back into mediocrity for me.

Jessica Pickering: I’m done with the Weeknd’s shit. I feel like I’ve listened to his stuff every week I’ve done New Music Friday and I’m sick of it. I don’t care anymore.

“Helpless” – Ashanti feat. Ja Rule

JW: 2016 needs to stop. The word “shorty” died in 2002 with both of your careers. Please return to your respective rocks. People will probably like it because it’s from The Hamilton Mixtape, but I don’t. Also mixtapes died with the Walkman. I’m tired of 2016 being the zombie of 2002, somebody kill it with a chainsaw already.

SF: While I can appreciate the piano chord progression and soulful singing, I felt transported back to being seven years old and eavesdropping on my sister and her friends through her bedroom door. This track does not belong anywhere past the year 2008.

CM: YESSS! The Hamilton Mixtape is amazing. As a true mix, it has some elements of the original, but I really like how they revamped it. I mean, no one will be better singing this tune, no matter what iteration of it, than Phillipa Soo and Lin-Manuel Miranda, but this is perfectly good to jam to.

JP: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS HAD COME OUT?!?! I’m so mad at myself right now. Love it. Always love it. Admittedly not the best from The Hamilton Mixtape, but the entire album has been fire so far.

“Trust” – Flume feat. Isabella Manfredi

JW: I have trust issues with this song. The main percussion has now given me two mini-heart attacks. The first when I thought my house was going to explode due to faulty wiring (it came on after I turned a light off, because that’s totally how electricity works) and the second when I thought the train that I was on was going to die (I don’t need to explain this one, because TransLink). But once you get over that, it’s an OK song.

SF: I’m fairly certain Flume can just do no wrong. This track follows his typical echoey instrumental and vocal vibe, and Isabella Manfredi’s voice flows seamlessly with their sound.

CM: The wind chimes are almost discordant right from the get-go and it’s hella distracting from the other elements in the song. Once you tune out the chimes though you kind of tune out the whole song. Skip.

JP: Is there a broken ice cream truck nearby? Cause that’s what it sounds like. I don’t want this.

“Daddy Lessons” – Beyoncé feat. Dixie Chicks

JW: I was apprehensive about this song. I mean Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks? There is no way this could be good. I was wrong — it actually is pretty alright. It’s still a little more country than I would like and the horns and the repeated Texas do make it sound like an odd reworking of Chicago. It also runs a little too long, but it’s still pretty alright.

SF: I’m in the same boat as Jess. I saw this was a Beyoncé and Dixie Chicks combo and felt a bit queasy. After all, Lemonade got me through the world’s worst breakup. This album has sentimental meaning to me. Honestly, just listen to the original track. Queen Bey doesn’t need anyone else on this track — or in any part of her life, if you listen to the whole album — and neither do you. Bey is enough. Dixie Chicks can take their things and go.

CM: I am such a sucker for horns, and the rhythm they open this song with is catchy as hell. Queen Bey can do anything, honestly, and even though the original was good, this one is too. Also, damn, they sound way better together than I thought.

JP: I hate that I have to put up with the Dixie Chicks just to listen to Beyoncé. This is really testing me and I don’t think I can do it. I hate country. I left Maple Ridge for a reason.

“Glorious” – Måns Zelmerlöw

JW: Mornings are the worst. This shitty electronic version of Muse and all other related rock bands from the ’00s (maybe Creed?) is the musical representation of mornings. I’d say mornings hate me but I also know myself well enough to know that I will always hate his song just as much as mornings. That last sentence made zero sense, much like this song so I’m going to leave it there. You can be just as confused as I am.

SF: I honestly thought this was Nickelback at first, and I think my heart stopped. The chorus sounds like something that would appear on a Disney movie — think Zac Efron’s HSM era — and later be turned into a much more popular cover by Coldplay. I’ll pass.

CM: I like how there’s almost no intro and we get right into it. It starts out with a rock-adjacent sound and then gets kinda pop/DJ/dancey. The vocals are really good, the track doesn’t hit a rut, I’m really digging this. Thanks Zelmerlöw.

JP: I swear I’ve heard this before. How sure are we that it’s new? Par for the course as far as pop music goes. Nothing to write home about.

“Hey Mama” – Galavant

JW: Nothing like a song that is probably supposed to be a club banger dedicated to mothers everywhere. But like the overprotective moms that provoke rebellion? Maybe? Or maybe music is just marketed to teenagers and I’m officially old now.

SF: The Nicki track by the same name was much better. Weak vocals run through its entirety, and electronic instrumentals not dissimilar to Crazy Frog illustrate the bass drops. It’s a hard pass from me.

CM: Two good tracks in a row, a cut from The Hamilton Mixtape — I don’t know what I did to deserve this as the final New Music Friday of the semester, but bless. An all-around solid song: lyrics, melody, beat, etc. I’m adding this to my library.

JP: Am I on a ship? Can we make this a fun pirate track? This song isn’t bad but I was looking for more of a sea shanty vibe. Don’t care for all the autotune. MOAR WHISTLING.

“The Operator” – Max Pope

JW: Remember when Franz Ferdinand and all other British bands that sounded vaguely similar were cool? Well these guys do, and they’ve brought it back in the dying days of 2016. Because if nothing else has been proved in this trash fire of a year it’s that going back in time to save all the shitty parts of the past is the greatest!

SF: I feel like I’m living in sepia, dressed in a 1920s ballgown, smoking long filtered cigarettes and drinking fancy cocktails at a speakeasy. It makes me feel fancy, but nothing exciting really ends up happening. Just a bit dull.

CM: This reminds me of Mother Mother, if Mother Mother were a little less individualistic. I like the snazzy guitar, and I like Mother Mother, so I’m down for this song. If you like the idea of Mother Mother but wished they were a little more chill, this might be good for you.

JP: Not feeling it. The song sounds like it’s in conflict with itself. That song makes me sound like garbage but I promise it makes sense if you listen to the song. I’m not just trying to sound pretentious.

“Dissolve” – Ronika

JW: I’m getting Estelle vibes from this. It does however have TV commercial written all over it. I could see this in a perfume, car, or top-shelf liquor commercial. But I could also see (hear?) this in a soap commercial too. Now I just want to buy expensive shit. Good job, capitalism.

SF: Whispery vocals that are almost sensual in tandem with background Flume-esque instrumentals make this track alright, but not great. This song is too long, IMO. Everyone else can make a song in three minutes. Why do you need five?

CM: This has like that ’80’s synth meets awkwardly seductive vocals thing going on. I like the lyrics, but the vocals are too weak and breathy and the twinkling noises around 3:15 are giving me bad Mario Kart flashbacks.

JP: I feel physically uncomfortable with this music. It’s terrible. It’s too bad, because the vocals are actually pretty good but I can’t handle the backing track.

“Hunk With a Hunch” – Velociraptor

JW: This song sounds like it would be in a mid-’00s TV show. Or something that would have been on a Warped Tour compilation. The 15-year-old me would have been eating this shit up, now I’m just sad that this song is associated with what is an otherwise pretty cool dinosaur.

SF: This reminds me of my Blink-182, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wayne’s World, etc. days and I could quite honestly do without that. Everything about this track screams unfortunate, from the name to the sound to the awful key changes halfway through. Please let me live in peace.

CM: First off, I really hope this is amazing because I am on board from the artist name already.

Damn it. I’m getting often-rejected pop-punk wannabes from this sound. I love pop-punk, but this is seriously lacking. Also I think he’s just tossing in “nonchalance” in there for shits and giggles.

JP: The cover art says ’80s and my heart says bad. Really not a fan of the useless (and terrible) key change at the end. Uncalled for.

“Spacesuit” – Matt and Sam’s Brother

JW: Well, shit this is dark, and also kind of Warped Tour-y sounding. And also weird off-off-brand “Major Tom.” But it actually works. It’s like it’s so off-brand that it’s actually cool? I clearly am not cool enough to understand cool and how it works. Also it’s the solo project of the lead singer of JPNSGRLS which is a local band so that’s neat.

SF: Honestly? Terrible. While the last track reminded me of Blink-182, RHCP, Wayne’s World, and others, this one reminds me of an emo cross between Owl City and Never Shout Never. Remember Never Shout Never? Didn’t want to? You’re welcome — neither did I.

CM: If I owned a dingy bar and had trouble booking music acts, I still wouldn’t book them. The vocals just aren’t my style of good. I like the lyrics, but I would rather read them as poetry than experience this song again.

JP: The album art is literally from The Jetsons. The lyrics are something 16-year-old me would have come up with. This song just seems to borrow from things everyone once thought were a good idea.

“Should’ve Been Me” – Naughty Boy

JW: This song sounds like the future “We’re going back in time” BoJack Horseman episode for 2016. “Generic 2016 pop song / repetitive lyrics about my broken heart / electronic sounds are rad / and hide our collective sadness.

PS My fake lyrics are way better than the real ones. You’re welcome.

SF: This song was easy to tune out and I feel like that’s not a good sign. We get it, it should’ve been you all along. I feel that way about a lot of things. For example, my classmate whose father won the literal lottery. That should’ve been me all along.

CM: The beat and rhythm are kind of average. This is one of those songs that sounds better the louder you play it. When I listen to it at near-deafening levels, I am all over this, grooving and everything in my office chair. When I listen to it as a normal person might, I’m bored. My kind of good music doesn’t need volume to make it good.

JP: This is reminding me of songs I use to warm up to in dance class. The nostalgia is real. I’m not even going to comment because I know I have rose-coloured glasses for this song.

“Shapes (Dual Point Remix)” – Fjord

JW: This song is shockingly chill. I could see this playing in a really cool office or coffee shop or bar where you know you don’t belong but by some weird twist in the time-space continuum you ended up there. Honestly, I’ll probably listen to this one again.

SF: This song begins with the same sort of light, echoing, bubble sound — literally the only way I can describe it is as bubbles — that “Tongues” by Joywave has. This track is quickly forgettable. Maybe good to have in the background while you get high? Otherwise, nah.

CM: Well it definitely sounds like a remix, except it’s super dull and monotonous. I got hopeful with the shift around the two-minute mark, but it turned out just to be a tease.

JP: I remember this band. They are often in New Music Friday and I often hate them. Seems like we’re sticking to the status quo this week.

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