The Cheapo’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Listen single people, I know February is seen as a month-long Greek tragedy, but the truth is that this is a celebration of you,...

Snowfall at SFU: Admin do their best to make everything the absolute worst

For the thirty-ninth time this year, competent meteorologists proved SFU incompetent. Amidst the blizzards of the past week, thousands of students were left stranded...

SARRS rampages through SFU, start of outbreak could be deadly

Even though there has been no case of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) reported worldwide since 2004, there’s a new type of SARRS in...

In the news…

Life as a Disney Princess

Snow White Pros: Rent is super cheap when split with seven other roommates.   Cons: How can you possibly enjoy apple pie after going through a poisoned-fruit...

I sniffed you

Looking for the“good boy” You were tied up outside of a Whole Foods Market wearing a red collar. You were waiting for your human, being...

Horoscopes for dumb shits (Jan 30th—Feb 5th)

ARIES This is the week to give into bad impulses, Aries. You should message your ex. You should eat all the delicious lactose-filled desserts even...

SFU officially becomes an engaged university

Pop the champagne bottles and prepare for festivities! On January 1, SFU President Andrew Petter got down on one knee and asked Simon Fraser...

Famous philosophers and their fetishes

Thales: Watersports First in the western canon, first in the sack. Thales thought water was the only element. Show him how right he is.   Friedrich...

How to gracefully deal with your mortality

You are going to die. Yin and yang. Life and death.  You can’t have one without the other.  So, instead of bitching about it, here...