By: Sheela McGummery, Legislative Correspondent
After John Rustad’s scandalous exit from leadership, the BC Conservative Party recently announced a new format for our leadership debates. Candidates will participate in a new reality TV show: Shark Bowl — BC Conservative Party Leadership Contenders. The race is shaping up to be an interesting one, with former prominent individuals of the now-defunct BC Liberal Party (AKA BC United) fighting against classic conservatives for the position.
Shark Bowl will stream live on YouTube and bears a remarkable similarity to Shark Tank. Steve Kooner, a disgraced leadership contender who dropped out of the race after a few days, will be hosting the program alongside the tissues that hold his tears of embarrassment. Party members will vote candidates off a yacht on Vancouver Island until only one remains.
Darrell Jones, former president of Pattison Food Group
Top campaign pledge: Free Western Family steak on the first Tuesday of the month for party members
Heya, Sharks. You might know me as the president that created Save-On-Foods’ Darrell’s Deals, where I fought inflation head on with two-for-one lasagnas. If I’m chosen as your next leader, I promise to axe the tax (for myself) and bring Darrell’s Deals to a gas station grocery aisle near you. Remember: if you can’t afford groceries, just wait for the flyer with my face on it.
Kerry-Lynne Findlay, former Conservative Member of Parliament
Top campaign pledge: A provincial moratorium on smiling
(as she speaks, the Imperial March plays) Mwahahaha. Cackles. Breathes in like Darth Vader. Oops — didn’t realize my cosplay mask was still on! Does not take off said mask, continues to breathe evilly. Having served as a member of Stephen Harper’s cabinet, I acquired the skill of never blinking. That’s why Pierre Poilievre trusted me to run a part of his extremely successful campaign last election. If chosen as leader, I promise to turn property owners against the utter evilness of empathy and humanity. Wokeness? Step aside. It’s me — Kerry-Lynne Findlay. Mwahahahahhaa. Cackles. Breathes out like Darth Vader.
Caroline Elliott, former BC United president
Top campaign pledge: Banning Alvin and the Chipmunks
Do you remember the good old days? There was absolutely no hate back then. Everyone was YOLO and rich as fuck. My huge base of supporters often ask me, “What are you doing here, Carrie! You’re a BC United gal!” BC United is dead, Aunt Becky. OK? Time to be a political chameleon and change my stripes once more. Oh . . . Kerry-Lynne calls me a Liberal? Well, maybe she should look in the mirror. Anyone who doesn’t believe in banning children from watching Alvin and the Chipmunks is too woke for our party!
Yuri Fulmer, businessman and friendly Australian
Top campaign pledge: Increasing Australian immigration by 1,000%
You might be wonderin’ what me, your average chill Australian, is doing here. Honestly, everyone needs to chill. I was the head honcho at Mr. Mike’s Steakhouse, where I championed fiscally responsible policies. That’s how I’ll manage the province — (Yuri Fulmer was pushed off the boat by one Kerry-Lynne Findlay. Apparently, he wasn’t right enough for ‘em!)
Peter Milobar, MLA for Kamloops Centre
Top campaign pledge: End human rights
If you squint close enough, I might seem like Darrell Jones. The only thing we have in common is the deal I have for our party members. If you vote for me, I promise to take your rights away, ban unions, and make children work in the mines to pay for my tax cuts for my buddy Chip Wilson.
Iain Black, former BC Liberal Party Cabinet Minister
Top campaign pledge: Radical neoliberalism
Remember when our provincial government tried to sell our rivers to corporations? That was my idea! This is the kind of bold, monetarist, down-to-earth policies we need to embrace as a party. Water? Who needs that when you can take an anti-woke shot?
Editor’s note: Bruce Banman, Harman Banghu, and Warren Hamm, the other three contenders, were not available to send us a teaser video. They are currently on a taxpayer-funded trip to Hawaiʻi.
